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Assonance (Positive Critique WS) #2

Submitted by Rula on Wed, 2012-08-29 11:53

Soon shall croon the cuckoo,
and buzz the early bees,
to promise a pristine day,
Hey lazy! Wake up!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Assonance is the repetition of vowel sounds in nearby words. It is used to reinforce the meanings of words or to set the mood
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Critique workshop - positive critiques

Comments

Rula

Wed, 2012-08-29 23:08

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tells that it is kind of unhappy singing dear Beau. I checked many entries (I should as am not a native and I don't sometimes know the very deep meaning of the words) but non give me that it is kind of sad singing.Soft but not sad..How about tune if we suppose that croon doesn't work. 

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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weirdelf

Thu, 2012-08-30 04:13

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about cuckoos. Remember what they do? Lay their eggs in other bird's nest and the chicklings push the others out?

Never be afraid to combine play and beauty with sinister and ugly. Life is like that.

Nice assonance.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Mon, 2012-09-03 03:06

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I like croon and cuckoo – as well as the gentleness of the assonance, it symbolises to me how deceitful is the bird – a crooner’s voice is mellow and gentle… think of Bing Crosby

and I like ‘hey/ lazy/ wake’

nice alliteration too with ‘promising / pristine’
but I think I would like the line better as
‘to promise a pristine day’
I prefer to avoid gerunds, and I also feel that the change would add to the internal logic of the poem

and I can’t help feeling I want it to lose the last line – all just me

love judy
xx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Tue, 2012-09-04 04:21

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Judy I've done the suggested changes. Hope it reads better to all.
thanks all.
P.s I do recommend a new workshop to give a successful end for pieces . I believe it is an art by itself.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
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Ian.T

Fri, 2012-09-07 12:17

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I like very much your crooning cuckoo, as if it is singing a lullaby to deceive, as Jess says it is a parasite, or the way it behaves is similar.
A simple little piece that has a lot of form,
Even "the buzzing of busy, buzzy, bees", would be smart lol

Yours Ian.T

And it woke me up!

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

scribbler

Fri, 2012-09-07 19:06

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Sorry for being late. As far as I can determine each line gives good example of muted assonance...............stan

William Saint George

Wed, 2012-09-12 09:12

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This is part of the ex 4 of the Critique workshop.

I liked your assonance, which you used quite well. My main issue with the poem (one I raised with Judy in a pm) was that I had nothing to say about it.

The last line seems out of place in this poem. That however enhances the light and humorous tone of the piece.
besides that, there isn't much I can say about the poem. It doesn't move me emotionally in anyway I can write about.

Your use of assonance to create mood is all I can really commend, and the fact that you weren't tempted to overdo it is good too.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

judyanne

Wed, 2012-09-12 11:08

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you are still concerned too much for the poet william. i think we have to get used to the idea that if people tick the 'i want the raw truth' box, then we should give it to them... clarifying it is purely a personal opinion

i think you have done well in so far as you have gone, but you still haven't really said 'why' the poem did nothing for you

for example, was it word usage, or perhaps that you didn't really relate to the theme (why - eg: maybe it was too sugary for you, maybe the imagery didn't work for you ...)

i do like the way you have still said what you thought 'worked', but i would really like to see more of 'why' you couldn't relate to it

great work
thank you for your participation

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Wed, 2012-09-12 09:44

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This was only created for the workshop and as commanded was short.

I didn't say much in it and that's why perhaps you couldn't say much about it.

I appreciate your honesty. I can see now how ex. 4 is hard. It is not easy to say that you don't like the piece because of so and so because we simply don't comment on pieces that we don't like

Thanks again

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

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