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Banging Away...

Submitted by Geezer on Mon, 2012-08-27 21:37

Sound of gongs upon the wind of lust
Makes her passion rise

Turns her promises to dust

Night-time rhythms on repeat
Keep the pattern

Here’s a gong that you can beat

Jacky-boy can make her smile
She feels special

He does it all the while

Thirst of the body, rules over the brain
Crescendo is real near

Thunder now and rain

The echoed tones of a brassy gong
Fills their hearts

In time to a summer song

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Tried real hard to make it different than the first one. I also tried to make it the best that i could for the type of form I used.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Workshop: 
RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

Comments

Esker

Wed, 2012-09-05 00:08

Esker's picture

I like the spacing pacing of this one too
must come back to it Thank You

Geezer

Thu, 2012-09-06 02:34

Geezer's picture
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that you have enjoyed both of these. I must admit, that I have enjoyed transforming the poem, so that it meant more or less the same thing, but in a different tone. I didn't realise at the time that I had deviated from the lesson, but it kinda took off on it's own. Before I knew it, it was done and I just was so pleased with it, that I let it go as was. Thanks for the kind comments, ~ Gee

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author comment

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-09-05 07:11

Ian.T's picture
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Well if my memory serves me right, the dinner gong was not rung at night.
So in there must be another reason, you even mentioned a season.
Ah! frolicks in the summers heat damn silly have to change the sheets.
Now I made and error so into Google I did go to look up Frolicks so.

Frolick brings to you cool, frosty frozen yogurt that's low in fat but high in flavour,
Piled high with a myriad of toppings that run the gamut from fresh fruits and nuts for you to savour..

Now that has really killed my mind I'll stick to love making, you are kind.

Great piece there Gee damn memories are a plague to me,
Yours, Ian Somebody

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Geezer

Thu, 2012-09-06 02:48

Geezer's picture
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puts me in mind of the way we used to twist the lyrics of favorite songs so that they meant something different.
Words are tools and they way they are used makes all the difference in the way that the job comes out. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-09-06 03:13

Ian.T's picture
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I was playing with the theme please forgive,
you have written a good piece here,
hope that my play didn't distract from your good work,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Geezer

Thu, 2012-09-06 13:38

Geezer's picture
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i always expect that you will turn out something of the kind and would be disappointed if you did not. It is the style of your commenting. It also gave me the oppourtunity to explain my motive for arranging the work as I did.
As always, I welcome your comments. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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