Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Before it is too late...(Mindful Memorable Free Form WS)
I always wanted
the hands of the cuckoo clock
to catch time;
to stop it,
or at least to slow it down
so as not to run
not to race with the lub dub beats
Of my heart
before it is too late
before death alarms aloud
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
arja
Thu, 2012-08-30 01:21
..will come back to re-read
..will come back to re-read again..
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 05:13
Now this is what this workshop is about!
"Mindful Memorable Freeform"
again I do not like ellipses.
And the word 'bleeping' feels trivial, unless you are talking about freedom of speech on the internet, in which case you need to express it better.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Thu, 2012-08-30 09:36
beeping not bleeping
is 'onomatapoia', a figure of speech that should in a way strengthen the verse by adding an audiable sound and so to produce a stronger effect
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
China Blue
Thu, 2012-08-30 10:10
Rula
The theme is right there and clearly understood
I am just a wee put off by your use of "the tick tock"
would it mess up the poem if you were to say something like
the ticking of the clock? as I might be wrong but I took it as a reference to the clock
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
Rula
Thu, 2012-08-30 12:01
tickind doesn't replace tick tock
as I am using tick tock to refere to the clock. But may be you are right that I will make it more serious if I said " the hands of the clock. " Does this make any sense?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 11:06
bleeping?
oh come on, this is a tough pool, be honest.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Fri, 2012-08-31 02:41
any suggestions
to give this a better read?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-08-31 03:47
no further suggestions,
this is poignant and quite profound.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
China Blue
Fri, 2012-08-31 12:45
Rula
Ah now there it is
much better nice work here
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
arja
Mon, 2012-09-03 01:11
..nice read, you captured my
..nice read, you captured my attention! it's more memorable (for me)..
Rula
Mon, 2012-09-03 03:42
Thanks dears
for your help and nice comments. Appreciated
Regards
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
judyanne
Mon, 2012-09-03 03:28
awesome write rula
memorable
but one thing spoils it for me - the last line.. i just don't like 'horns' – are you using onamatopeia here ? it is too harsh for me., and doesn't really fit the text (imo lol) ... I think I’d prefer a ‘clock’ word…
‘alarms’ or 'chimes' perhaps?
also- just as a by the by – I wonder if it might work better without the ‘the’ in the third line?
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Mon, 2012-09-03 03:40
when I used the onomatapoia
with horn (beeping) it was found silly
now I thought 'horns' works well with death as death is indeed harsh
but i loved your suggestions . I'll give them a thought.
Thanks dear ..
Where have you been ? :)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
judyanne
Mon, 2012-09-03 03:48
lol
sometimes the real world takes all my time - full time work and all...
i'm back now for a few days -do check out exercise 3 for the critique workshop
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Tue, 2012-09-04 04:03
Thanks all
jess
Chrys
araj
and judy
for your comments and suggestions. Regards to all.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=