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Bang the Gong...for rhyme and patterns workshop II

Submitted by Geezer on Mon, 2012-08-27 21:34

Sound of gongs upon the wind of lust
Makes her passion rise

Turns her promises to dust

Night-time rhythms on repeat
Keep the pattern

Here’s a gong that you can beat

Jacky-boy can make her smile
She feels special

He does it all the while

Thirst of the body, rules over the brain
Crescendo is real near

Thunder now and rain

The echoed tones of a brassy gong
Fills their hearts

In time to a summer song

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Tried real hard to make it different than the first one. I also tried to make it the best that i could for the type of form I used.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Workshop: 
RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

Comments

scribbler

Tue, 2012-08-28 12:52

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Although you used a rhyme pattern we had not dicussed and wrote in other than quatrain form your poem Does show how a change in pattern can have significant impact on how naturally a poem flows. So I'll not ask you to sit in the corner lol. PS What is the form you used called?................stan

judyanne

Tue, 2012-08-28 13:06

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and very much more a serious write than it started out

i'm not sure, either, what form you mean you have used - it is almost free form now

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

scribbler

Tue, 2012-08-28 21:28

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The last word in the first line of each couplet is rhymed every time by the following stand alone line. With that much repeated structure it surely Must be something other than free verse..............stan

Geezer

Tue, 2012-08-28 21:59

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what it is called and I'm sorry that I didn't use one that we discussed. Also I should have written it out in quatrains. I guess the only thing I did right, is to make it different! I will try again. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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author comment

scribbler

Wed, 2012-08-29 00:01

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Don't bother changing it. As is, it will get people to thinking about other patterns which is a good thing. ............stan

Geezer

Sat, 2012-09-01 22:16

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What's next? Do we move on, or is there something else to do here?

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-29 18:47

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the rhyming scheme is ABACDCEFEGHGIJ
which as you can see is not a pattern.

It doesn't matter, I like it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geezer

Sat, 2012-09-01 22:14

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I tried hard to make it meaningful and different. You like it, so it must be at least one of those. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Esker

Sat, 2012-09-01 23:44

Esker's picture

a kind of rolling techno..
a few of the very popular bands put lyrics
Labrynth "navy" 4.am.mix
Interpol "Pioneer to the falls"

Music woke me up to lyrics
and music woke me up to Poetry
freeform and or rhyme with the rap
which I like from the polished pro
to the urban hardcore

I love driving around when I could
and now I just drive on Grand Theft
they have radio stations
but It allows me some free thinking
the city the atmosphere of the weather

Which leads me to this Poem
This Is new Gee for me this from you
This poem Rocks!!!

Geezer

Mon, 2012-09-03 00:33

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Coming from you, that is high praise! I guess that this one is owed in part, to you.I love the way that you can cram some much visual with so few words and you have some influence on me in that respect.~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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