Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A scratch on the sand

Submitted by t. reflexion on Thu, 2012-08-16 00:42

The dead are forgotten
All they held dear to heart
Dusty distant recall
Gone with them far afield
While we sit on an edge
A limbo of some sort
Pondering on our fate
On what lies beyond here

Beyond the final sill
We can only imagine
Glories of paradise
And the torments of hell
While we struggle so hard
With realities today
Draw and erase or write
On the sand of our time

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-08-16 00:55

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

I think you are trying too hard to be profound.

As a general impression I've gained over the years your best works are ones where you introduce a human element, with perhaps some narrative, rather than trying to be philosophical or make overt social and political statements.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

t. reflexion

Thu, 2012-08-16 22:27

t. reflexion's picture

This is a fall out of my attempt at meter. It was not much of the content and the title came at the first sketch. I couldn't classify it, but kept on scribbling, hoping that a proper analysis will give me an insight.

I get the message, to play down on over-dose of philosophical, religious and social statements, Thank you and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-08-18 13:41

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

I read this just for content and didn't notice your experiment with meter.

It doesn't have a regular or formal meter, but the alternate word is 'flow'. And indeed it flows, so much more readable than your other works.

I am too lazy to 'parse' this (believe me it requires a lot of work, using Advanced formatting to put stressed syllables in Bold)

This really works in that sense and it is ok to write less than your best poetry while working on your craft so forgive my previous comment, although it does contain some truth.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

t. reflexion

Sat, 2012-08-18 19:42

t. reflexion's picture

In a bid to understand meters and syllables, I stumbled upon a pattern in the poem by Ella wheeler Wilcox, 'THE LAW', which runs like this:

The sun may be clouded, yet ever the sun
Will sweep on its course till the cycle is run.
And when into chaos the systems are hurled,
Again shall the builder reshape a new world.

Please, how do I classify this piece in term of structure, meter and syllable? I used a drum in my attempt to get the flow, I failed as I am not good in the art of drumming, but it makes me want to practice the more using Yoruba talking drum. Thank you.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2012-08-19 11:22

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

The sun/ may be cloud/ed, yet ever/ the sun
Will sweep/ on its course/ till the cycle/ is run.
And when/ into cha/os the sys/tems are hurled,
Again/ shall the build/er reshape/ a new world.

A combination of iambic da DUM
and anapestic da da DUM

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.