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Love kinks

Submitted by brittle light on Mon, 2012-07-23 03:24

crushed delicates
drawered deep and hidden behind
dark pleasured guilt 'til
someone with proclivities
heretofore unbeknownst
entered her boudoir
with enticing toys
inviting her to share
this night
in a carnal carnival
of fetished joy
her loss of shame
was startling, instantaneous
and as satisfying
as sweet morning kisses
caressed in glorious sunshine

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-07-25 00:21

weirdelf's picture
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See what I have done here, not changed a word but combined some lines to increase the flow and narrative. What do you think?

crushed delicates
drawered deep and hidden behind
dark pleasured guilt 'til
someone with proclivities
heretofore unbeknownst
entered her boudoir
with enticing toys
inviting her to share
this night
in a carnal carnival
of fetished joy
her loss of shame
was startling, instantaneous
and as satisfying
as sweet morning kisses
caressed in glorious sunshine

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

brittle light

Wed, 2012-07-25 12:00

brittle light's picture

I think you have done this piece a great service.

I thank you for that.

I sometimes think of each word as an independent thought requiring its own separate line,
not giving the reader enough credit to sense for themselve the import of every word within a naturally extended line. I should trust them more.

Your version certainly does help the narrative and flow
I very much appreciate you taking the time to demonstrate this.
Also, thanks for the generous compliments

regards

Al

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