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A Hill With No Name

A puff of dust,
A slight slow breeze,
My foeman steps beneath the weeping trees,

A whispered word,
A lovers touch,
She lied to me about much,

Her body was sweet,
Her lips were red,
Today her poison kiss leaves one man dead,

He stops and turns,
He meets my eyes,
This man who took my lying wife,

He brushes back his duster,
He slips his hammer strap,
His actions have led him into my trap,

He dips his hand,
He draws his steel,
But my equalizer is poised for the kill,

My hammer falls,
My barrel sings,
My foe drops down to his knees,

His head hit’s the ground,
His life blood flows forth,
I’ve signaled his end with the crash from a Colt,

But my work is not done,
I have a liar to claim,
And two bodies will lie on a hill with no name.

Zachary J. Eakin 5 - 22 - 2012

Editing stage: 

Comments

Interesting, I like the flow a murder song in the nature of old. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, or a man in this case. The rhyme structure pleasing throughout. Reads like the words of a gunmen from the old west. A pleasant read

John

You can feel the affects of this. Outstanding! ;)

the commas after each line are not needed
the line 'she lied to me about much'
might have better flow, she lied to me about so much

good story, interesting, and created a picture in my mind as I read. enjoyed.
I am learning that poetry is a game of words that must intertwine,rhymne, and sometimes be just sublime.

He who conquers self , has won a great battle

Well Linda beat me to that suggestion lol. Still have another though :Try Today her false kiss will leave one man dead and The man who took my wife of lies
But as is this narrative held me all the way through and the last stanza did great in wrapping it all up........stan

His sometimes a problem to overthink these things. This piece has a great songlike quality watch you don't lose that by making too many changes to the original purer quality of the poem.

John

Your act of choosing which ones to act on and which ones to disregard ensures the integrity of your poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I like this murder write – I don’t see them very often
love the title

I have a few suggestion…
‘My foeman steps beneath the weeping trees’ (i’d lose ‘steps’ – for rhythm and I really don’t think it is needed)

‘A lovers touch’ (lover’s – ownership apostrophe)

‘ She lied to me about much’ (needs another beat… maybe ‘ she lied to me about so much’ ?-

‘Today her poison kiss leaves one man dead’ (again for rhythm, maybe ‘her poison kiss will leave one dead’)

‘ He meets my eyes’ (I’d drop the ‘he’)

‘He slips his hammer strap’ (again I’d lose the ‘he’)

‘ His actions have led him into my trap’ ( missing a beat or one too many?
- ‘His actions have led him to my trap’
or
‘His actions have led him right into my trap’)

‘My hammer falls,
My barrel sings,
My foe drops down to his knees’
- suggestion for more impact and better rhythm
‘My hammer falls,
My barrel sings,
My foe drops down
down to his knees’

‘His head hit’s the ground’ (no apostrophe)

and, again, just a suggestion for impact and rhythm
‘But my work is not done,
I have a liar to claim,
And two bodies will lie on a hill with no name’
- suggest
‘But my work is not done,
I have a liar to claim,
And two bodies will forever lie
on a hill with no name’
or
‘But my work is not done,
I have a liar to claim,
And two bodies will lie
lie on a hill with no name’

I’d also lose all the punctuation

the above all totally imho of course
this is a great write
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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