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Venus in violet and teal

Venus in violet and teal
With the freedom of windswept tresses
As if it were an intentional statement of style

Ageless, whimsical and spacially vibrant
Wise in a silent wit and comfort

The company of odd believers
Each common space becomes an ashram in her wake

She hums while perusing garments in a dingy op shop
Where discarded boons are strewn haphazardly
The odd triumphant treasure lies enticingly covert among scrap and fodder,
She squints into the drizzling winter afternoon
But she brings brightness and possibility

Where did she find a wonder in such peaceful harmony
So young and so deeply embedded?
She dusts those fortunate passers-by with its spell
In an unconscious generosity, contagious in it's wake
And moves on unaware

Beauty feeds her like a fire in a breeze
Like fresh country air to young lungs
...Discovery to a child

Everywhere, every day she finds it, builds it, nurtures it
Her head is upright, life is worth meeting eye to eye

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Think I can safely say now, this is prose... & I now know I really enjoy prose! I wrote this a year or 2 ago & just found it in my ipod notes.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Heh, yeah, me too, bit lighter than my more recent writes. Think I wrote it in the car. Yay for technology, I used to be such a Luddite too!

You know I added that higgledy piggledy after I posted, because I felt it really embodied that sense of anarchic strewness in an old op-shop (too many of them have been transformed into boutiques for "pre-loved" items & they charge a fortune for donated goods that now goes into some old farts pocket, rather than to a worthy cause... grumble!

The ipod version didn't even have those descriptors in it:

Venus in violet and teal
With the freedom of windswept tresses
As if it were an intentional statement of style

Ageless, whimsical and spacially vibrant
Wise in a silent wit and comfort

The company of odd believers
Each common space becomes an ashram in her wake

She hums as she peruses garments in a dingy op shop
and squints into the drizzling winter afternoon
But she brings brightness and possibility

Where did she find a wonder in such peaceful harmony
So young and so deeply embedded?
She dusts those she passes with it's spell
In an unconscious generosity, contagious in it's wake
And she moves on unaware

Beauty feeds her like a fire in a breeze
Like fresh country air to young lungs
Like discovery to a child

Everywhere, every day she finds it, builds it, nurtures it
Her head is upright, life is worth meeting eye to eye

Do you think it is better without that little pause to explore the op-shop atmosphere/state?
I used that term deliberately because that is what the image brought up & I built the other lines around that term... but I see what you mean, what is it about the term that comes to you? Is it too "childish"? Good to know how these things land, could be cultural too, I live with a Californian (who spent many years in South & Central America), it is really interesting how language DOES land differently depending on your origin... (big example is, I'm a swearer for underlining my expression, not offensive in intention, but he is terribly sensitive to swear words, he says it just isn't done in the US, Ausies are less techy about swear words generally).

Anyway, these are good suggestions, ta, will ponder them & edit after I read some more poems & comment (have neglected that for workshop time),
Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

Chuckle... I'd love to hear you say it! Wish we had that spoken word option, did you ever record & post? I always meant to & never got around to it. I remember another comment from you somewhere that admitted some things had extra syllables with your Southern accent. I wanted to hear you then too.

Ok good call on the fit thing... I wondered if it was just a superfluous distraction, but I take your word on it & I'll play with it... a word came to mind earlier that might work... now I forget (yes age thing!!!!). I did really like your later suggestion very much, but it might take the write in a slightly different direction, bit more melancholy, nice though.

Cheers & ta
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

Your prose comment bothered me. I have a very simple test, which I applied here. Copy and paste the whole thing into MS Word, Search and Replace all line breaks with a full-stop and space.

Now it look like prose, but it sure don't read like prose lady, almost every sentence and phrase is unique in its own way. I suggest this really is fine free-form poetry, only the most didactic of new-formalists would call it poetic prose.

Thanks for the read.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Don't be bothered by the prose comment, it's a good thing for me (sorry if you feel it's a pain) to have your clarification... I'm afraid I still feel a little uncertain about the bloody differences, I just would have thought (indeed, using your parameters) it would clearly be prose & hopefully poetic prose, but either way I like the style of it, feels right to write like this.

Thanks, for your input, it's very useful & I think I even feel very encouraged!

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

I loved "Venus in violet and teal
wilth the freedom of windswept tresses
as if it were an intentional statement of style
I lilke your style or writing. Isn't is odd how we keep finding our writings here and there. I am often suprised at how many pieces of paper I have stuffed with ideas scribbled on them. If I don't write it down when it passes through my mind, it is lost.

Linda

He who conquers self , has won a great battle

Glad you liked it... & yes, I like those ones that you find scribbled on a scrap & then used as a bookmark in a book you pick up years later, finding the poem you are transported to those places/people/feelings again... or, wonder who the hell that cryptic line refers to, sorting through past loves & connections.

This one I found when I went to wipe the ipod to give it to my son - I caved & got an iphone, there were a couple of interesting bits in there... some of which I must have rushed, the typo's are so strange I just had to laugh & wonder what the original word was MEANT to be!

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

"anarchic strewness" this is WONDERFUL
its sound, its meaning, its stringiness, its dishevelled look, its shrewdness, its lewdness-LOVE IT.

Its almost like a sort of absurd play, play of words and meanings, the poem now!! The prose is it? Who cares what its called, its it, and I like IT.

Swearwords my sister stands aghast, but then I met a Dane, so who can blame me for understanding them, they use them powerfully, I just had to take the power out of them slightly to survive. Used to it now, all we were ALLOWED to say was damn. My mother used to say Gee Hoshiphat, and GG when she was truly horrified, so for me it was a change, but these words fit their proper environments, that's okay. I am not so enamoured of the films made up of swearwords and nothing else, I don't find the dialogue the least bit poetic, or having any quality whatever.

That's the old dame Beau, the only time I used one strongly was when I was teased too much, the whole class stood stock still in shock. So we who don't use them can truly make an effect when we do.

Nordic cloudy

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

It's funny, isn't it... I think the impact of a swear word mostly has to do with the intention, you can usually tell if it's meant to hit or just to emphasise, as I usually use it... I can understand how one might be sensitive to it though, if lacking exposure (I have tactfully tempered my language for the most part). It's true though, it's more powerful coming from someone who seldom swears.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

and in society. There are many factors involved. Intention is surely a prime one. Conditioning is another, a lot of us Aussies swear a lot, we barely notice it. I object strenuously (wrote a poem about it) to people's euphemistic uses, like people who accept frigging or fecking when we know they mean fucking.
It kind of hit the nail on the head when Ephraim Crud objected to my use of the word cunt when his own signature used the word fucking.

What it comes down to for me is that we are poets and words should be used to best effect, whatever they are, no holds barred. Yet "best effect" is a variable too.

I saw a very interesting experiment of Stephen Fry's doco about language. Putting his hand in a tub of ice water but only allowed to express bland words, he lasted about 40 seconds. Later, repeating the experiment but allowed to swear as much as he liked, he was able to keep his hand in the iced water for twice as long. Swearing does help you deal with pain!
BUT
The experiment was repeated with a well known British actor known for constant swearing. The results were reversed! The value of swearing had worn off.

So, year, fair e'fuckin'nough swear only when by cunting christ you bloody well need to.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Righto!.... I hardly ever watch TV, but I think I saw that one, or one like it, a few bods were enlisted off the street & the test was applied, it really did help them to cope with the extreme cold or heat of a submerged hand etc. I remember feeling a little justified at the time... Phew! But like Ann says, if my man were to swear, the whole house would have minute of silence with raised eyebrows & puckered moth I reckon.

I work with a lot of people (with varied tolerance) so I can be pretty selective when I swear, but was in the habit of swearing in close company, I've modified it, but I'm sure all of my lot are getting a little desensitised now.

After your description of the bloke on whom the swearing was ineffective, I feel like reducing the casual cursing is probably a bonus... save it up for when you need it, I'm thinking... but each to their own.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

I believe all words are like the tubes of paint by an artist's palette, there is no point squeezing them on the floor (unless, like Pollack, your floor is your canvas). The people I have least time for are the verbose word-wasters (here I exclude verbose wordcrafters like you, Beau and Wesley, although even you guys tend to repeat yourselves). Word wasters are nothing better than someone spilling all their bodily secretions on the footpath.

I absolutely refuse to moderate or censor the use of language in my poetry to my reader, whilst always bearing my reader's reaction in mind (most bad poetry is written purely for self expression, without considering a reader)

I've recently used the simile of even reading poetry as being like working a nearly depleted goldfield, searching for the shine. So we do need to keep the shine in our own eyes as well.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Yeah, I really like that idea about the gold mining.... Its a clever way to look at readin other work (or our own even) & a nice thing for you to share. I love that perspective. It IS like finding the shine, though what shines for each of us may be different & even the focus & degree of brightness will vary depending on what we bring to it...

That simile could also be a metaphor for writing particularly... though I have to admit, it's a little different when you are in practice, the gold is far easier to produce then when you have been out of practice (I think that goes for any art, even the art of bullshit!) Practice & exploration DO help produce more, where-as a mine can be fully depleted.... All the same, I also think there are other elements to that metaphor that fit the poetry production format, such as honing the skills specific to finding the gold, ie vocabulary building, education of poetry in terms of definitions & styles etc. A good miner had the right tools & knew the right signs that likely meant gold might be present.

& yes, I could go on, bringing me to your prior point, I know I (we maybe) do repeat ourselves, & verbosity has it's definite downfalls, I am very aware (as we've discussed). It's an indulgence for me & I do too much of it I think. I admire brevity with wit & clarity & do want to cultivate it... but perhaps need an AA for verbose people (VA?). I can do it in the right environment (writing reports & articles & papers etc.), but ADORE not having those restraints. Maybe we could do a workshop on the benefits & some practical tips on how to avoid the temptation to go on!!! It actually would be a worthy option... maybe one you could well facilitate, I suspect you would be quite qualified & ripe to undertake that one... Just leave it a few month til I have more time eh?

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

just say what you you need to in as few words as necessary. That's what poets do.
[grins cheekily]

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

because there is always something crucial there to my work with Neopoet. That doesn't apply to cloudthings, I ignore a lot of her long posts.

It doesn't mean I don't wish you would be more concise. If you weren't as crucial to Neopoet as you are I would also skip over your longer writes. Nothing personal, purely pragmatic.

I reckon someone who can write poetry can say what they need to without waffling on and repeating themselves. I've proved it. Every academic essay I've ever written, including my Masters Thesis, has been about 25% short of the supposed required length, and yet I maintained consistent Distinctions and High Distinctions.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Easy for you to say, ever worked with anyone who has an addiction... not so easily done... but in truth, that all it takes, I know!!! & I must add... that's what SOME poets do, not all that's for sure. Many brilliant poets use far more emotive & descriptive language than they "NEED" to & thank goodness they do.... I still think I'd do well with a Verbosity breaking support group... you may well laugh, but if I have a vice, that's probably it!

Don't worry I'm grinning too

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

one of the few things universally agreed on about treatment of addictions is that support from others with the same problem is most beneficial.

So you start VA (Verbosity Anonymous) and I'll start doing CBT (Cranky Bastards Therapy) (pun on the other CBT intended).

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

adore
‘Venus in violet and teal
With the freedom of windswept tresses'

one small thing
typo - it's – no apostrophe

also – just me – but there are a lot of ‘she’s here –
what would you say to culling a couple?

definitely not prose :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks Judy, glad you enjoyed & I will now go look through Judified eyes... Good points, all.

OK, few changes now, to enable the removal of several "she" (is the plural to she like sheep?) Kidding!!!
& removed the offending apostrophe... I find I sometimes do that, throwback to mental apostrophe block!

Thank you... hope it reads ok with changes, I added a word here & there & removed some.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

Although I enjoyed this piece and think it has great merit. I found it hard to make a connection emotionally. What I'm saying I think it reads too much of an intellectual piece. Not bad if that is what you were going for or it happened accidentally as a case of writing it. I don't have any corrections to make and its a fine piece of writing I just couldn't feel anything as I was reading it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh its just my oppinion. All the same I'm glad you're back at neo thanx for sharing

John

I'm late as usual. I find the imagery is there but not over used as is often the case. Poetic prose-----free verse....matters not to me as it is lovely regardless of label............stan

oh Anni, this title is so absolutely delicious that I couldn't even try to resist the read!
and what the title promises, the poem fulfills. I could have taken a bite out of it, it is so rich with words, so lavish.
and the final lines took my breath away (from: Beauty feed her...). I adore this and what it does to my soul.
this is poetry, and it has made my (I was really having a bad one) day.
hope you are well, love from here,
Kata

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