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Day by Day
We walked into the darkness
Blinding the bestowed gift
People fell before our sides
And yet, cold blood is what it was
Only the wretched hope
Laid within our bloody grasp
The once ideal promise
Captivated our fragile hearts
Nevertheless, all decays
Into that tale told in the past
Life leaks its own hidden wounds
Never knowing if we’ll return
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
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Comments
lou
Sat, 2011-09-03 04:30
HI
I like this poem a great deal, but it does need tweaking here and there. The second Stanza doesn't quite make sense, maybe you could say something like ' the population fell before us, in cold blood.'
In the third Stanza maybe you could find another word for bloody since you used blood in the second Stanza.
Apart from few tiny tweaks, I enjoyed the poem
Loju
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Esker
Wed, 2012-05-02 00:04
shifts
"we dreamt into the blackness
blinding a bestowed gift
crowds fell along us
yet
cold blooded is what it is
Wretched Hope
has Lain within our blooded grasp
where once ideal promise
( thinned captivation )
bore our hearts
and the tale beating
flees to its past
while life lies leaking
staining down the ground
of possible returns..."
There my rebuilt of this poem
for me I see it like watercolours
or pastels
and here i am with my Parker pen
scratching in lines
and smudging shade
I like the poem
but rewritten as its told here
it can shift to something
else and dwell
on another view
another colour hue
thank You