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Memoirs
Memoirs
Appreciation comes so voluntarily
it smartens my heart
and
memories.
mundane ,horrific and wonderful
as you say,
let our lovely memories
as fresh as ever stay
for the remembrance of the past
does not ever evanesce
but does last
till memory is watered
and
twill you amaze
I can recall my very first birthday.
don't laugh,
memories will never vanish
they always will stay
until life itself
fades away'.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Proprietress of...
Sat, 2012-03-31 13:28
watering memory, a strong
watering memory, a strong metaphor I have never heard or seen used in this way before.
twill you amaze - is this a typo (till you amaze)? as I am not a native speaker, some expressions may be unfamiliar to me. do let me know what you mean, I'm trying to improve my vocabulary... :)
I can't believe no one has commented on this, for I find it to be a strong write. I seem to enjoy your style, your flow and will surely be reading more!
I see that you published this as a rough draft so I would like to suggest something: I stumbled over the second and third fade at the end. if you are not all too attached to them, maybe you could try out another word with a similar meaning. I find the last line to be a strong one, so maybe you could change the first and second fade? I know that the last part will no longer rhyme but I feel that it is strong enough to stand on its own, without the emphasis a rhyme would put on it. I hope you do not mind the feedback and suggestions...
another read I enjoyed!
your Proprietress
loved
Sat, 2012-03-31 13:32
mind did you say
I am on top of the world today,
that you have taken so much pain
the least to say
may I request you to edit
this unread piece,
in your own sweet way.
loved
scribbler
Sat, 2012-03-31 22:16
Hi loved
what are we but our memories? I see the fade repeat has already been mentioned and I have no critique to add. I think this may well be one of your better poems but this Is coming from a non-expert at your type writing.......stan
loved
Sat, 2012-03-31 23:02
You are more an expert than the non expert me
I shall not let this one fade away,
stay ,
will amend it soon
perhaps today
loved
loved
Sun, 2012-04-01 00:03
Since
accomplished with grace
loved
Proprietress of...
Sun, 2012-04-01 09:49
loved
a great revision.
what do you think? does it read more smoothly?
I like the flow now, just stumbled over the away-away rep:
memories will never vanish away - see how it feels without the away in this line. but that is just a matter of taste :)
I enjoyed coming back to this one and re-reading!
your Proprietress
loved
Sun, 2012-04-01 11:32
My ProprietreMy Proprietress of poetry
My Proprietress of poetry
Where have you been
in the laden darkness
that you have taken so long,
to reveal your brightness
hence i now nominate you as,
my Proprietress
loved
wesley snow
Sun, 2012-04-01 22:17
This is more like it.
I know this poet.
You made the corrections Proprietress and Scribbler suggested. I agree with all but one.
Proprietress? Did you get an explanation on "twill"? If so ignore me, if not then... "twill" is a contraction of "it will". Personally I would have left it as I love the use of older conventions. And you (Loved) used it appropriately... many will add the apostrophe at the beginning ( 'twill) which is not quite "incorrect", but commonly an apostrophe at the front of a word is omitted.
This one belongs in my Loved Library. A bit of understated potency.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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loved
Sun, 2012-04-01 23:14
Thanks Istan
I revert
into snow... lololol
loved
Proprietress of...
Mon, 2012-04-02 04:32
Mr. Snow...
thank you, Wesley, for pointing that out.
and I agree, it adds a certain amount of depth to the poem, a moment of surprise... considering you know what it means, unlike me... ;)
loved
Tue, 2012-04-03 04:30
They say too many cooks make a better
They say too many cooks make a better
BROTH
of poetry
and
all ifs and buts are erased
and
the Snow is solidified
by a Proprietress
loved
judyanne
Tue, 2012-04-03 00:58
how your writing has come so far loved xx
this is a wonderful write
memories, some would say, are all that we are...
' memories.
mundane ,horrific and wonderful'
... for the remembrance of the past
does not ever evanesce
but does last
till memory is watered...' - i love that concept...
one tiny thing re the set out of the last lines (imho)
'they always will stay
until life,
itself fades away.'
- imho the words 'life' and 'itself' belong together...
i think i would prefer
' they always will stay
until life itself
fades away'.
thanks for sharing
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
loved
Tue, 2012-04-03 04:36
I liked your discreet correction of the spelling of memories
I purposely spelled it as
memoirs +memories --==-memoiries ,
a new word which in
Shakespearean style
I have coined so many
and
thanks for correcting the obvious ,
how blind of me.
loved
Roscoe Lane
Tue, 2012-04-03 02:20
Yes my freind,
Yes my freind this one hits the spot, lovely poem with a deep meaning. Been away working a while and it's great to read this as one of the first on my return. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
loved
Fri, 2014-05-09 04:02
approved and selected by the best poets
4/51
loved