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FINAH SANNEH

Villages were sacked
Houses burnt, men killed
Boys and girls taken away
Tears poured like August rain
In Freetown and up country
Sa-lone, my motherland
Reduced to rubbles
Helpless populace displaced
We are now refugees

Beloved Finah Sanneh
My beautiful wife vanished
Taken away by junta rebels
I was caught in the middle
Of a ridiculous senseless war
I lost good sleep ever since
Finah was commandeered
Misfortune had befallen
This once peaceful place
As I sat to wonder
Which way to go from here

Two hundred moons,
Not days, have gone
Since the war ended
I have no glimpse of Finah
I have been waiting
Hoping to see her again
She is still alive, I presume
Like a foetus inside of me
Don’t tell me she is dead
Or has she forgotten me?

I have been hit
By the hardest bullet
Shot by the deadliest phallic weapon
Of man’s show of power
In brutish rape
The wound is open
Bleeding and biting
Yet unseen by anyone
But by me alone

Like my country
Finah, a victim of wantonness
Caught in politics of war
Rooted in greediness
Diamond, much sort after
Supposed to be a blessing
But now a curse to all
With so much bloodshed
And atrocities so strange
Of limb-cutting everywhere

Where are the hands
To rebuild the nation state
Where are the hands
To hold my Finah again
By the backyards
And by the streamside
I can still hear the howling
The wailing and weeping
Of mothers, so many
They refused to be consoled

Crying will only give pains
It gives me more headaches
As my mother cried to death
When father was killed
I am going to the capitol
To beg the media people
To find a space in the papers
A press release of some sort
For Finah Sanneh, my dear
Do not cry again
Mother of a single child
Don’t cry…

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Stanza three was a little unclear to me, but I think I got it in the end. She was taken and raped? You made no reference to the cause of the war in your exposition, but I believe that was quite deliberate and it allowed you to focus almost exclusively on her. Other than a couple of spelling problems (fetus), I can see no flaw in this. Let's see your complication.
Also, lest I give the wrong impression, I liked the format of the poem. How about that? Me, liking a free verse form. Something must be freezing over.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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the war in Sierra leone has craze for diamond at the root. stanza three takes on the length of time it took from the abduction of Finnah to the end of the war. Foetus is British way of spelling fetus, I mix them up sometime unconciously like my country colonised by British but runs after American way, even in the type of government, Presidential system.

The piece takes Finnah into focus while dealing with the poet's love for his country. Finnah and Sierra Leone are almost inter-changeable in this piece, though not my country, I was there at the peak of the war

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

I say just stay consistent.
Now... I'm all for mystery, but when do we learn where we are? You gave it away in your comment (bad move). We need that piece of information in the poem itself even if disguised. Of course we don't have to be in a hurry. I often take a piece like that and drop multiple hints that would give an answer only if the reader took everything and thought about it which I don't expect them to do. This is an old storytelling technique. The reader will finally get to the revelation and discover they knew all along.
Anxiously awaiting more.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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but do you consider this finished? I know life is always calling and some things have to go on a back burner, but I thought this had real potential. It needs a complication if you can find the time. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Sorry, it has been tight lately. I got an idea to start up a fresh story that I can sustain here. I left Sierra Leone years ago and any addition to 'Finnah Saneh' will be abstract, I ratter grapple with the realities here. I will post a new piece in days. Thanks and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

I'm sorry if you're surrendering on this as I thought it was a strong beginning, but I also know (I think better than most) how difficult it is to tell a tale when your accustomed to expressing moments and feelings in one's poetry. Do me a favor and don't just dump this poem, but keep it on a burner somewhere. Poetry means different things to different people AT DIFFERENT TIMES IN THEIR LIVES. It may prove to be something you can return to. It is good poetry, just unfinished as a tale.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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