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More Meter Ex. 1 Trochaic Pentameter

x = stressed o= unstressed

I

Jeffery Dahmer killed his neighbour: flushed him (down the drain)
Ed Gein ate his mother (and) played in (her) dirty dresses
While Son of Sam with gun in hand was killing golden (retrievers)
Fisher went and ate some children: buried them in (the) barn

xo xo x o xo: x o (o o x)
x o x o xo (o) x o (o) xo xo
xo x o x o x o x o xo xo (oxx)
xo x o x o xo: xo x o (o) x

II

Breezes like cool kisses make the poppies
dance in frenzied patience along dandelions and
ambivalent (daffodils)—while swans neck

xo x o xo x o xo
x o xo xo xo xox o
xox (oox)— xo xo xo

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
My attempt at trochaic pentameter. Couldn't get to fourteen lines and are two separate poems/stanzas. They are riddled with issues and inconsistencies. () = where I know I screwed up the meter but couldn't find a way around it.
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

No, you see I started, but I can't parse this.

Jeffery Dahmer killed his neighbour: flushed him (down the drain)
Ed Gein ate his mother (and) played in (her) dirty dresses
While Son of Sam with gun in hand was killing golden (retrievers)
Fisher went and ate some children: buried them in (the) barn

It's the parentheses through me off. It feels like a deliberate attempt to change the stress, not necessarily for the netter.

Anyhow, everyone knows parentheses are anathema to poetry.

 

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

And exactly Who says parentheses don't belong in poetry? I guess commas, question marks and explanation points don't either..........stan

not 14 lines.

Try something simpler.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Or Not.

I asked for decriptive or un-emotive words so you would not become attached to them. What's with all the parentheses? Write some meter. Do what some Southern State dialect speakers do and use a phonetic dictionary.

I want to hear some meter.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Just got internet back tonight so I just read all the messages. I'll get onto it tonight; I won't rest until I've got something worthy to submit.

Sorry for holding up this work-shop so much!

author comment

most people here are used to them.
I would like to wrap up this workshop within the next week, so just submit one simple piece of Iambic Pentameter and another slightly more ambitious piece, if you have time.
Sorry to go off at you.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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