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A Slip-up

Submitted by t. reflexion on Tue, 2012-01-10 22:23

I told a friend to look behind his back
He turned round to see a cripple crawling
then jumped and ran to nearby side track
because he thought a car was approaching
We laughed to see the fear on his brow
The lame was angry by our reaction
He picked some stones all set to throw
We explained it was not our intention
to mock or make a jest of him by that
but to let our chary friend step aside
as he wore a comical mammoth hat
and couldn’t see a thing from either side
This turned out to be a very big gaffe
as no apology could make him laugh

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Roscoe Lane

Wed, 2012-01-11 19:49

Roscoe Lane's picture

I feel this still needs some work, it has the makings of a good humoured poem. I have a few ideas how to help, but i will wait to see your response. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

t. reflexion

Thu, 2012-01-12 18:38

t. reflexion's picture

this is an experiment, an attempt at new forms from my traditional way of writing and quite frankly, I posted it to be corrected. Please, feel free to say what ever you think will help me improve, not only on the piece, but also on others. Thanks and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

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