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A Kyrielle

Submitted by wesley snow on Fri, 2012-01-06 22:13

When queried as to where I live,
I ponder not and always give
an answer I’ve prepared to say ~
that “Heaven’s not so far away.”

May God have mercy on us all,
for we’ve been haunted since The Fall,
but I am grateful every day
our Heaven’s not so far away.

My home, my life is paradise.
I live in grace and pay no price,
for with my wife as we turn grey
my Heaven’s not so far away.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
The Kyrielle was once a very popular poetic form originating in France and dating back to the Middle Ages. The word Kyrielle is derived from a part of the church liturgy, the kyrie eleison (Lord, have mercy). This is why we have the refrain, which is a characteristic of kyrie eleison. The words to many hymns are in this form, though it is by no means confined to religious poetry. The last line of each stanza is traditionally dimeter, but I liked my line so much I went for it.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

wesley snow

Sat, 2012-01-07 11:44

wesley snow's picture
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I've read some more of yours and heard some high praise concerning you from some of our other poets, so your positive comments are encouraging.
All of my "small" poems (as opposed to the epic, Caco) are experiments in form for teaching my brain to think, so I always tend to title them after the form itself (ala music composer... toccata and fugue, Concerto # whatever and so on).
I always punctuate as though I were writing prose, so that's where all the commas and what not come from. This is my first Kyrielle and likely my last as the form didn't catch my imagination. Just not into writing hymns I guess.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

Roscoe Lane

Sat, 2012-01-07 03:45

Roscoe Lane's picture

All the above, the only change i'd make is wife to love. I believe this to be more poetic, but this a preference not a critique. Nice work. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

wesley snow

Sat, 2012-01-07 11:45

wesley snow's picture
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help me out here. How would you include "wife to love" without changing the meter. I wanted to use the word love, but couldn't figure it out. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Sat, 2012-01-07 12:05

Roscoe Lane's picture

Sorry, what i meant was remove "wife" and in it's place put "love". Hope this is of help, Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

loved

Sat, 2012-01-07 12:08

loved's picture

but the way pollution is flowing freely
the earth will soon be a haven
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Friend

loved

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