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Illuminated

Submitted by Apostolos "Paul... on Tue, 2011-12-27 23:19

Won’t someone flip
The light switch
In this dark room

Time to leave my manners
In the same closet
That a politician hides truths

My smile was the cripple
That threw his crutches
And fell on the concrete
'Till he could walk again

Pity was a prostitute
That left before
Daybreak

I'm swinging fists at misery
'Till she loses consciousness
I grew sick to my stomach
Of that bitch’s nagging

I expected much more
From a society
That left me bleeding
on the pavement

This time I speak
For the countless times
I was muted by weakness

Right about now
I tell my adversaries
To fuck off

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Bonitaj

Wed, 2011-12-28 03:25

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I hope this attempt at a vitriolic attack on life, has brought you some relief! I know that 'mad-dog' is hard to shake off.
I agree with Beau's erudite critique and throw in one or two minor comments.
Liked these lines from the 4th stanza the most -
"Pity was like a prostitute
That left before
Daybreak"

but I would like to see the first line changed from a simile to a metaphor. Also put in some descriptive adjectives, to depict stealth and lack of gratitude. Make it more colourful, in other words.

"Am, I expecting to much
From a society
That demands even more
From me "
The fact that this is a given, negates it's impact. I would look at changing the wording here to make it less rhetorical and more decisive. If you choose to keep it as it is - check the typo on TOO much.
As Beau said, the essence of the piece is universal. Bring in some more anger and rage against the reality by using more descriptive adjectives.
That's my sixpence!
Regards

Bonitaj

weirdelf

Wed, 2011-12-28 07:36

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although I can't believe two such erudite critics missed
stanza 6
Am I expecting to much [too]

this is the first time for me your anthropomorphic personifications have really worked. And I applaud the fuck you attitude. You need more of it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

the_fool

Wed, 2011-12-28 07:57

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S 6 n 8 are the punches while S 7 makes a perfect build up. i agree on the title but only a little. i thought the word 'bulb' was a great suggestion to play with, not much to add that's alerady been said. i didn't really catch any cliches myself so at least the cliches you used were rare ones.
hell of piece, here.

Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-12-28 08:15

Some outstanding lines, (note my line envy!) Paul. You're developing a clear and unique voice. Well done!

How about this title: *Switching prostitutes in the middle of a good fuck*? Too much? Not enough? lol.

~Anna

emogothgirl

Wed, 2011-12-28 13:54

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someone figured out how to say it! everyone gets that feeling they can't describe, and he's done it. nice personification of misery, and a strong ending-nothing else like it!

weirdelf

Wed, 2011-12-28 13:58

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http://new.neopoet.com/comment/55553#comment-55553

And don't think there isn't a slight crit from me in there. If someone called emogothgirl is your biggest fan. Have you thought about writing something funny as I suggested?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Wed, 2011-12-28 14:16

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but this wasn't personal, it was a dig at Paul

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

emogothgirl

Wed, 2011-12-28 14:19

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i'm in highschool. it's alright. but babybats?

emogothgirl

Wed, 2011-12-28 15:01

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well then, i see i have been-in the slang of my gaming friends-owned. fifteen. quite the number, huh? okay, i'm a babybat. except i dress normal now. darn you hand me downs!!! glad to be under your webbed wing, anyways.

infinite_dwarf

Wed, 2011-12-28 16:54

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Yeah, your timing last night was impeccable...as Beau said. Drop off a gem like this, and it's bedtime!! But... better late than never, so without further ado:

Definitely agree with the suggestions about steering clear of cliches. I love the energy and emotion that this write holds. Stanza 7 - I would love to see similar wording that really brings across the oppression. You're angry. You're defiant. Grab the reader by the balls and show them that! Bring across that fire that was starting to show itself in the beginning and in closing.

Very different write, for you, Paul... and, while I'm sorry about the circumstances that warranted this, it brought out an outstanding piece. Always look for that silver lining in the cloud - no matter how hard she may hide

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