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The Vacuum of Space Our Souls Hide
I fell away
An empty vessel, a jar of clay
We were a submarine
Lost in the ocean, blocked by a screen
I can’t relate my heart to paper and words
We were intrinsic
Memories we created as we walked through our futures
We were so happy then
Look at us now
Apart, stranded, lost in the flood of the common day
We were washed away
And into the vacuum of space our souls hide
We couldn’t breath
We couldn’t breath
I was a child
I was so much more than I tried
I became an asshole
And in that I lost my pride
Please hear my plead of sorrow
For forgiveness and resistance
Let me smile in your arms
The warmth from your heart
The shadows of our past can be ignored
We will love each other and more
I swear to you, my love.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-12-25 08:05
the title caught my eye, and I love it.
After that the poem goes into a decline, and ends up just another whining love poem.
The repetition
We couldn’t breath
We couldn’t breath
is very effective
We were intrinsic [intrinsic is a transitive verb, it needs an object]
plead of sorrow [clunky, perhaps sorrowful pleas?]
cheers,
Jess
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