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CONDEMN
CONDEMN
The apperception
Of existence
Is washed by the world
Purifying
All that lives
Cleansing the soul
Some will be lost
Unable to purified
Misfits , reborn
A solider , existing
Condemn
Opposites
Against , the right
This is a chess board
Enlisting , souls
Washed for balance
Dividing , the preordained
To black or white
Good and bad , fighting for control
We are all enlisted
Every soul
Is condemn
Preordained
Older than history
This battle , never ends
When we die
Only the skin
Remains behind
Buried is your face
Silent’s , becomes your name
Your body , used and dispose
It was only skin
A shell
For your soul
Every rebirth
Of a soul
Owns , one choice
A name
A body
Individual
Only to dignify their condemn soul
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Thu, 2011-12-22 18:00
A strong piece,
A strong piece, though it could do with a bit of work. I am no great believer in souls, but i guess for people who do the battle to enter heaven is very difficult. Especially in today's world, but if they do wrong should they be condemned or forgiven. I believe it only matters to the living. But as i say there seems to be the need to remove or add something to smooth the piece out. I.E. Line two second verse - Unable to be purified. Smooths the line out. These are just my thoughts, I will try to help some more if you think i can. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.