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To lost daughters
To you who who have searched and did not find
we are one
To those who have been lost
we are one
To you who through searching for love have
lost your identities to a ruthless society
we are one
to you who you would rather ignore
tommorrow call
we are one
To you who lost herself on the pavements of happiness
To those who found a haven in the arms of now ,
we are one
There is a home for us ,there has to be.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
This is me ,so structure is not something I think about when I write , Its all about me having a platform to let go,to be angry,to love,....to be.
I am just expressing myself
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-12-15 07:57
And your expression comes across well,
though it could come across better. Some wee suggestions, take them or leave them as you see fit. "Poetry is the ruthless elimination of the inessential".
To you who who have searched and did not find [delete repeated who]
To you who through searching for love have lost your identities to a guileless society
[this could be edited, maybe even made 2 lines]
To you who search for love and lose yourselves
we are one
To you who are lost in a guileless society
we are one
[is guileless- open, genuine, simple really the word you want here?]
to you who tomorrow sounds like a calling you would rather ignore
to you who would rather ignore tomorrows call
we are one
To those who found a haven in the arms of now [delete- , disregarding tomorrow]
we are one
There is a home for us ,.... there has to be. [delete.....]
Just some ideas, I think it would preserve your ideas and feelings while making it flow better.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-12-15 10:12
Good changes
Your choices and well made. A much better poem.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-01-04 12:20
Hello invisible!
Your first poem entered here is a beaute! You have generated some fine critique! We are all here to help each other. You can take advice or reject it depending on your own views and ideas. But always know that critique is given with the best of intentions.
p.s.
It is a good thing to reply to your critique and commentors. To let them know that they are appreciated. Also,the more you get around the site, commenting and critiquing, the more you will get to know the other poets here, and they will get to know you.
I liked your poem.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.