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The last ten minutes
She will wonder what to wear to the execution,
and may show in an array of yellows.
What in the name of your silly ass god are you doing,
why are you here for this, looking so ready to see me go.
Cover my eyes so I can't see her love any more,
or any less.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Kailashana2
Wed, 2011-11-30 09:01
Brilliant poem, Richard. My
Brilliant poem, Richard. My suggestion is to omit the last line and the last word in the second last line, as it is covered, so to speak, in your title.
love,
Anna
scribbler
Wed, 2011-11-30 17:54
hi Richard
This poem gives a lot to think about in compact form. If you really love someone, would you want to see them die? Line 5.......With eyes covered I can't see here love anymore..... might be more accuraye as he has no choice in when his eyes are covered. Hope you appreciate how long it took me to come up with ANY suggestion lol...........stan
Race_9togo
Wed, 2011-11-30 20:59
Richard,
Wow man, a powerful piece of poetry. No critique, just acknowledgement of skill and power.
Excellent and bookmarked.
Respectfully, Race
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wesley snow
Wed, 2011-11-30 21:56
What Jim said.
Sorry, that's all I got. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Geezer
Thu, 2011-12-01 19:58
I can see...
what you meant by that last line! Finding out that it really is all about her, that she came to the execution, not to see her lover for the last time, but because she wanted to display herself as the center of the attention. "Look, I am the lover of that man, who is about to be executed." At least, that's how I saw it. ~ Gee
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themoonman
Thu, 2011-12-22 09:31
Thanks to all
This piece I was not quite satisfied with.
Have you ever wondered who attends an execution?
author commentRoscoe Lane
Thu, 2011-12-22 11:28
I like,
Ilike the poem, and i think i like Anna's suggestion. If she means the word (go) on the third last line. Great poem. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Kailashana2
Thu, 2011-12-22 12:09
Since you said you're not
Since you said you're not happy with it, I offer an Anna-version. (Giggles)
A spin, in perhaps a different manner, you already have the idea, moonman.
She will wonder what to wear to the execution,
and may show in any array of yellows.
What in the name of your silly ass god are you doing?
Why are you here for this now, looking so ready to see my grand exit?.
Cover my moon eyes
so I can't see her love
any more,
for the less of me.
Love.
~A
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-12-22 19:30
Spot on.
Eisenstein said of the art of film that it is "the ruthless elimination of the inessential". Ten times more true for poetry.
I would like to know what you are unhappy with about this. To me the only 'looseness' is in the phrase
your silly ass god
perhaps tighter, and for an extra nuance of meaning
your dumb god
cheers,
Jess
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