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Canary In The Mine
The lies are dressed
In little pinks tutus.
The scorn is ready
For the masquerade.
The canary in the mine
Turns out to be
A hummingbird.
The butterfly in my tummy,
A bee.
The laugh really is
A stiffled moan;
The tear is shed for sorrow.
The sun is gone because the night
Will breed a bleaker tomorrow
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
True story, hidden in verse.
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Ghana
Favorite Poets
William Shakespeare, Lord Byron, John Keats, Percy Shelley, Oscar Wilde, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Henry Longfellow, William Yates, Ezra Pound, Sylvia Plath
Comments
wesley snow
Thu, 2011-11-17 21:31
Bleak.
A lot of "between the lines" inferences. You mention it is a true story and that is disturbing. I'm not sure I caught all of its meaning (in fact I'm positive I have not), but what I understood is depressing as hell. Ah, what else is poetry for, eh? It could be a little clearer in its meanings, but I'm not convinced that wouldn't ruin the point. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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William Saint George
Fri, 2011-11-18 03:45
Well...
It has to do with a break up, although I took liberties with this poem and went where my mind did not. Most of the poem just felt right when I wrote it, so I'll be grateful if you put down how you understood it. :D
The full story is explained well in my previous poem "Tissue Paper Love". This one just came out like this. D
Thanks for the comment.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentwesley snow
Fri, 2011-11-18 12:31
I will try.
Keep in mind this only how I saw it on first reading. I tried not to "add" anything to my perspective on later reads, but simply elaborate on what I first felt. The first read of a poem, in my view, is always the most important.
The first two lines tell me I am being lied to in a graceful and efficient way. That I have likely been drawn into their elegance without realizing it.
Also in the next lines. The scorn is hiding behind a mask that I have only recently been able to pierce. Now that I have I see the lies and the scorn for what they are, I also recognize the decoration that has fooled me previously.
The next is harder. The canary of course will die before I am aware of the danger to me. The hummingbird, being an aggressive and dangerous creature, perhaps may survive long past the moment when I am risking my health. It will offer me no warning.
I like these next lines a lot. In my big poem, I wrote of Ramparté, the thief as having "carnivorous butterflies". A bee is another good simile for nerves.
The laugh and the tear are not hiding at all as they are my emotions.
The last lines tell me the worst. That I am going to remain and tomorrow will begin the uncomfortable reality all over again.
Any of this make sense?
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about