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Canary In The Mine

Submitted by William Saint George on Thu, 2011-11-17 10:56

The lies are dressed
In little pinks tutus.

The scorn is ready
For the masquerade.

The canary in the mine
Turns out to be
A hummingbird.

The butterfly in my tummy,
A bee.

The laugh really is
A stiffled moan;
The tear is shed for sorrow.
The sun is gone because the night
Will breed a bleaker tomorrow

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
True story, hidden in verse.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Fri, 2011-11-18 11:00

Candlewitch's picture
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I really like your title.Your language useage is phenominal! Fine structure. I enjoyed your poem very much, even though iit saddened me. It made me feel something, like all great poetry should. My favorite lines were hard to choose, but I really liked:

The laugh really is
A stiffled moan;
The tear is shed for sorrow.
The sun is gone because the night
Will breed a bleaker tomorrow

Always, Cat

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William Saint George

Fri, 2011-11-18 11:54

William Saint George's picture

The feelings in this poem are very real. I am going through a tough time fighting some depression. Most of the words just came to me and they felt right for the poem, so the internal logic may not be all that consistent. That said, I'm really grateful you enjoyed this poem.

It really does make me feel much better. Thank you!

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

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