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Dreamer
A dreamer
That’s all I’ll ever be
Give me a day
I’ll dream a Sea.
Consumed by fantasy
Within me is a place I’d rather be
Yet I live a life that isn’t me
Interested in nothing
Fearing nothing
There is no one I’d rather be
Family and friends think they understand me
I see life as a tree
A cycle of constant velocity
The norms of society, don’t apply to me
I desire to go about it differently.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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“Withdraw into yourself and look. And if you do not find yourself beautiful yet, act as does the creator of a statue that is to be made beautiful: he cuts away here, he smoothes there, he makes this line lighter, this other purer, until a lovely face has grown upon his work. So do you also: cut away all that is excessive, straighten all that is crooked, bring light to all that is overcast, labour to make all one glow of beauty and never cease chiselling your statue, until there shall shine out on you from it the godlike splendour of virtue, until you shall see the perfect goodness surely established in the stainless shrine... Never did eye see the sun unless it had first become sunlike, and never can the soul have vision of the First Beauty unless itself be beautiful.”, Plotinus, The Enneads
Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-10-21 21:37
I like the poem and relate to it.
Ephraim was right, you should change 'doesn't' to 'don't'.
The lines-
I see life as a tree,
A cycle of constant velocity.
seem to me to lack internal logic. Trees and velocity? Only when they've been chopped down mate. I suspect you fell victim to rhyme.
But a good poem.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Jahleel Drigo
Sun, 2011-10-23 22:29
Thanks Guys
Glad you liked it. I will make the appropriate changes. Yeah Weirdelf, your right I fell victim to the rhyme there,lol. As you may have recognized, i'm new to the poetry thing. Its a hobby I picked up a couple years ago. A pity the old neopoet site crashed, lost a few of my work. However Xena, i think i'll take you up on that. The time i have is limited but we can work something out
Cheers,
JahLo
"A light complexion, graceful carriage, and a bewitching smile- those constitute a woman's true worth"
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2011-11-16 11:46
Hello,
I read and enjoyed your poem. Especially these lines:
I see life as a tree
A cycle of constant velocity
The norms of society, don’t apply to me
I desire to go about it differently.
always, Cat
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Jahleel Drigo
Fri, 2011-11-18 10:56
Glad you liked it
Realy? Those are my favorite lines as well. And Rosi, thanks for the help, I will apply that style for my other poems as well.
Cheers
JahLo
"A light complexion, graceful carriage, and a bewitching smile- those constitute a woman's true worth"
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