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Worthy World...
Truth is now lost,
in this earthly world,
love now a ghost,
torturing souls with its meaningless words...
Turning their selfish motives real,
people play with tender hearts,
sensitivity of emotions they steal,
without caring how much it hurts...
Considering unspoken words and patience,
as an advantage to fool someone...
People forget they are also humans,
but with extremely foolish minds,
having thought good for no one...
Maybe someday they'll have to face the same,
and then realization will end their mean game...
Maybe then the world will again look worthy,
to live in and to love truly....
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Race_9togo
Thu, 2011-11-10 03:56
Hello
I like this, it has promise. I like the theme very much, and I think it all hangs together quite well.
I think though that it is a bit prosaic, and would benefit from a careful re-write, to focus its message and emotions, without changing the meaning.
As an example...
"Truth is now lost,
in this earthly world,
love has become a ghost,
torturing souls with its meaningless words..."
"Truth is now lost
in this earthly world,
love is now a ghost,
torturing souls with meaningless words"
The same meaning, with an improved cadence, and the addition of internal rhyme to reinforce its impact.
I would enjoy seeing how you might edit this piece.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo