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Love and Nature By the Ocean
I walked the beaches' shore
Salty seas still lingers in my nose
With parted lips
The taste of salt settled
On my tonsils
I fancy the summer breeze
Welcome the humid air
That rose from the water's surface
My skin grubby with sand
Ever moist
The touch of his hand in mine
Welcoming stares in his eyes
Made the heat unnoticeable
Taste of wine on his breath
Warmth of sweetness on my face tickled
Like dandelions blown in the wind
Love and nature shares with the ocean
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I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Region & Country
United States
Favorite Poets
Billy Collins, Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Whitman, Jess Tapper
Comments
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-08-03 00:27
I love the intent of this
just a couple of corrections and ambiguities.
you are mixing your tenses throughout, make it all either present or past tense
I walked the beaches' shore
I walk the beaches' shore
I suggest present tense.
also there the warm/cold aspects seems to be un-necessarily mixed
I fancy the Summer breeze
welcome the cool, moist, air [a summer breeze is warm, surely]
and
Made the heat unnoticeable
As it cooled from the high noon [again, if it has cooled from high noon the heat is not unnoticeable, it has gone away]
With a bit of work this could be really fine,
love the ending.
cheers,
Jess
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Barbara Writes
Wed, 2011-08-03 00:48
Jess
Thanks for the critique
I was writing to calm nerves
I realize I was mixing the tenses
But choose not to change at that moment
I did intend to change the mixed tenses
knowing you would
Bring to my attention
The repetition of meaning i appreciate the suggestions
And will be correcting
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author commentfaithmairee
Thu, 2011-11-03 12:35
Great Poem
Dear Barbara-This was so romantic and beautifuuly expressed. Your last line was wonderful and your delivery right on the mark. Great wonderful poem. I love it.
Love-Faith
There must be a poem in here somewhere.