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A Shiner Tonight
The crescent moon hangs bright
in the sky
which I admire
Getting in my car, sore
it's really cold
nursing one eye, a tooth, a leg, an elbow
Lifting bad leg, inside
to follow in step, nearby
the other, little past eight, tonight
Its not too late
slow in pace, no haste
holding back irritation
Letting it go
never show
or give another thought
Enjoy crescent moon's shine
a shiner tonight, hanging high
in the dark evening skies
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
United States
Favorite Poets
Billy Collins, Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Whitman, Jess Tapper
Comments
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-11-01 03:35
Oh wow, this is exquisite in it's pain and beauty.
For once I'm not going to offer corrections, just propose differences for your comparison. You have propelled your word-crafting past mere correction. I am so delighted by this piece! There is gentle rhyme, assonance and consonance that only contribute to the content.
for your comparison-
The crescent moon hang[s] bright
Getting in my car, sore
it's really cold
nursing one eye, a tooth, a leg, an elbow
[this whole stanza is perfect poetry, each word counts]
Lifting bad leg, inside
To follow in step, nearby [to could be un-capped to enhance the enjambment]
The other, little pass eight, tonight [same, maybe lose first cap]
In poetry as precisely written as this caps or un-caps make a big difference
4th verse lovely assonance!
I don't know if you meant it but using the word 'shiner' ties the beauty of the scene into your physical pain and your grace in dealing with it.
This is a remarkable poem.
cheers,
Jess
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Barbara Writes
Tue, 2011-11-01 12:31
Thanks Jess
I don't know if you meant it but using the word 'shiner' ties the beauty of the scene into your physical pain and your grace in dealing with it."
Shiner of the crescent and shiner of dealing with pain is what I was going for. Thanks for the Differences for comparison they have added to my understanding of poetry crafting more so
I made the changes and see the improvements
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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