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DRAGLINE

Submitted by Esker on Fri, 2011-10-21 11:02

consumed with waves
the shadowlair
shock lies sleeping

its true marble wonder
keeping
these smooth offerings
of love and damage

and white cap bitterness
shall wash
away the little tears

feel the true storm
ravaging bones
alive she cried

and the velvet night
will supplicate
the wound
and soothe
the ache
of heartbreak

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Fri, 2011-10-21 11:09

Esker's picture

love to have the crackling fire by the lake
let the ground steam and dry and warm
and lay while the wind swepts
through the end of the seasons tall
blonde grass The stretched limbs
of the forest climbing the old glacial
shoals the black granite arched
here and there above the eart

the white face of the lake
showing clouds

but Im not here

Im there with her
where part of me will
never leave

not to stir the flames
nor skip a stone

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-10-21 21:26

weirdelf's picture
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I would like to suggest something. You always write in short lines. Try writing something with longer lines that will give you the freedom to use some of the poetic tools like assonance and consonance.

I promise you it will give you the chance to be more lucid in expression and incorporate more prosodic values.

Here is one way to try it. Write a poem as you usually do, then combine pairs of lines, then edit them to create the flow and music of the language.

Oh, and I love this poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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