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GOODLUCK
The oracle predicted, not long ago
That an unusual change will come
To the great house of Akwa Owo
When a minor will be made a king
We found it hard to accept as true
Due to convoluted conditional ties
And unfeasible demands of the gods
The struggle for the crown came hard
Between the three big clannish lords
Who felt it was their bequest to rule
From southern seas to desert north
Leaving the vassals to find their holes
A hindrance of some sort, thus created
For the aspiring ethnic minorities
The gods demanded the unattainable
Bring a human hair that grew in the palm
Assist a roaring lion to deliver in labour
And bring the horn of a mature unicorn
We sort for substitutes in kinds and cash
For the agents to help, since they knew how
But the gods said no, the job was meant for us
When we look back, what we saw was a puzzle
From the differences between the gods and men
The gods sent us to attempt the impossible tasks
The agents demanded coins as a way out instead
To enrich their purses in our helpless situation
The unlikely has become achievable, a minority
Our son, before their eyes, has become the king
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Inspired by an article in an old manuscript, It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics
Comments
wesley snow
Wed, 2011-09-28 20:07
Okay, this is my kind of poetry.
I confess I am a sucker for a story (however short). Is there more of this?
If I have a problem with the poem it is with a lack of punctuation. I know these days many poets prefer to write without in an attempt to create something so elegant it needs none. However, I had a bit of trouble noting the difference between an end stop line and enjambment. It meant I was forced to read much of it over to understand. It is not a crippling flaw, but it made it hard for me.
Otherwise, I found the tale quite curious and intriguing.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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t. reflexion
Thu, 2011-10-06 20:10
It is a crippling flaw
Punctuation, use of articles and spellings, just name them, constitute infelicities in my writings. Please forgive me when they come up, I struggle with them every day. If you stumble upon the obvious, please don't hesitate to point out. This is the way I learn.
Thank you for the comments and your appreciation of the piece makes me happy.
Stories like this abound here, rooted in the past and still being practiced in the villages. This piece attempts to use a scenario in a rural community to reflect on the national scene where a southern minority, for the first time in our history, against all odds, was elected President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. His first name informs the title.
Thank you and best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentt. reflexion
Sun, 2011-10-09 22:45
understandable structure
Thank you for your comments. Please, can you suggest any form or structure I can adopt for this piece? it will help me in other pieces that I have written in this manner. Best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentt. reflexion
Sun, 2011-10-09 22:53
Hi Rosi
Thank you. Having read my pieces for sometime now, you understand where my strength and weaknesses are. Please don't give up on me and don't hesitate to give me a lead on where I should go. Best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentwesley snow
Sat, 2011-10-08 13:44
Your explanation really changes things.
Now, as Xena says, I think the poem needs a stronger structure because there is so much here that is being glossed over due to mild misunderstanding. Nigeria! Goodness. When I first started writing poetry, I spent a great deal of time exploring the different forms as I wanted to make informed decisions with what I wrote. After several months of struggle I discovered a hideous flaw. It seemed I did not write English. So I spent another inordinate amount of time trying to figure that part out. The work goes on. I would be honored to tell you where your flaws are, for they are mine as well. I do so understand your grief. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about