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Above Mice, and Men

Submitted by docmaverick on Tue, 2011-09-27 07:44

Mind your pints, and quarts...my friend
last one up, pays the bill;

I guess I'll need a "wingman"
to procure a date against her will.

Let's party, hearty...and let it all hang out
then, we'll let the good-times, roll;

there are mini-tacos after the game
and afterwards, we all may leave to go bowl.

We will synchronize our watches
and like always, let the "best" man win;

we'll get there early for the good seats
and officially let the games begin.

We'll all sign up for lap dances
and probably play some pool,

we'll belly-up to the bar for "shots"
proving all of us are just, way, too cool!

We'll start out early with "happy hour"
it'll start just prior to the game;

we'll flirt with the waitress, after the hostess seats us
when they finally call out our name.

We all know to tip the barmaid
and, karaoke's most definitely..."out"!

I promise we'll make a whole night, of it
if you understand what I'm talking about.

We've got almost everyone's reservation
but I've a buddy, who will let the rest, "slide";

but, I hope you're aware, that the night cannot start
unless one of you, can get us a RIDE!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This poem is dedicated to, of course...weirdelf. I hope you like it ! sincerely, docmaverick.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2011-10-06 22:18

weirdelf's picture
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I don't understand a need to write and not be read.
Click on
http://new.neopoet.com/tools/undiscovered
what does that say to you?

Yes, I know you have access problems but without feedback you are turning out the same old stuff over and over. I suggest you use some of your limited access time to read and critique other poets. Otherwise... well you can see for yourself.

At least use some of your offline time to read good poetry, I'll bet me arse you don't.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

magics02

Sat, 2011-10-08 09:11

Of Mice and Men - Good book Your poem - great humor loved the ending especially.

Your poem kept me going as I had some laughs while I was reading. There were just a few long lines that were metered off a wee bit. But all in all the story and punchline you kept intact. I don't know what this above comment is about as Magics needs her blinders again. May I say: for such negates do not make you the man you are. Or writer should I say. Elf made a rude comment and I am sure you have read great poetry.

Comment to Elf - WHy do you even bother with ill-reputed remarks any more to those of us that do not meet your standards of writing? If you had to show Doc how many times he is on the list why didn't you take the time to read his work instead of shoving this link in his face. You should be ashamed and also your comment to a beloved friend here was really callous. Really callous. MIND GAMES - ENDING

Sorry Doc. Tired of reading mean-ness

You write how you writes
and no one else needs to
shove on you their trites

only saying

Peace Doc
Mona
xox

wesley snow

Sun, 2011-10-09 14:01

wesley snow's picture
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...but to a certain extent I must agree with Jess. First, the way he said it was not mean spirited. I think it was quite open and honest. It is true Doc that many of the pieces you have written lately, though well contrived as this one, is on the same subject. They break no new ground. I have read many of your posts here and find the earlier ones excellent, some even edgy and mildly disturbing. I know nothing of your access problems, so there may be good reason for some of what you do and I only "complain" because I have read a far superior poet in the past.

Now, I confess I am obsessed with improving my poetry (manic depressive, psychotic with obsessive compulsive tendencies, what can I say), but I desire this same thing for every poet I read. Strangely, I have no problems with envy. I want to see all poets write as well as they can and I think you already do. I'm going to look into your "undiscovered" pieces and I promise I'll be kind (I'm never mean), but I hope I find the poet that I read six, eight months ago.

I do so hope I am not out of line. And Mona, I'm sorry again for disagreeing with you. I just think the Doc has greater curative powers. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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magics02

Sun, 2011-10-09 14:31

WS - This poetic write does not need to be totally of my views. You are okay to agree with whomever. I do not have a problem as far as stating it so. Here the poem is of Docs and my comments are my comments to him. You say you want everyone to write well and as you know we all write from different pens and styles.(before I forget what happened to your blog on Canto's I asked about) I am in 100% percent agreement that you agree with the Elf and hold no bars to that as well. This is neither my poem I wrote. I just believe we can help and not hinder each other in an uncallous manner and a better choice of words used.

You do not have to apologize to me on my comments. I am very open minded. I also do not believe the little DIGS that go on in the comment fields are necessary when it breaches into sometimes of a negative remark.. I am quite sure the DOC has read more than most of us in here. In itself is derogatory and insultive in my opinion and that is what I have written here. I had to clarify since my name is mentioned in a comment here and not for any other reasons.

Now back to the poem.

Doc you can shorten this up, tidy it up some, check your SPAG again and/or leave it the way it is also. It is all in what you want to do with it and not me or my words persay or for that matter anyone elses. This is the poetry and workshop site so we will hear all kinds of things and this is great to help one grow or one to stay put. Doc I support your writing and appreciate the reading of them. You are you and I allow me to be me. Enough said here spent over my hour already today. Time to check that pot roast cooking:)

Wes please don't worry friend, It is quite alright to agree to disagree as we maintain the respect unto the writer. Just letting you know MY take here.

Peace Out Doc
Ms Mona

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