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Increments of Solitude
as yesterdays hand
slips off my shoulder
tomorrows embrace
takes my lips
in this, today
I breathe a thousand sighs
and soar a
breathless wind
I've heaved the night
until the day broke
and stood in the middle
of all and nothing
and now I live
in the milliseconds
between this world
and the next
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
This is 1 of two poems that I took away and worked on extensively ...
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
New South Wales, Australia
Favorite Poets
Once upon a time I would have had a plethora of poets here ... there are way to many brilliant poets to name them all ... If pushed for favourites ... Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page ...
Comments
Lenny of Cohen
Wed, 2011-10-05 10:39
Majestical!
awesome writing!
_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent
Wei Wu Wei
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-10-05 10:43
Dear Jayne,
Well, your work really paid off, because this poem leaves my amazed and breathless! I love it! Just one suggestion: Millisecond is one word.
I'm so glad to be reading your work once again!
as yesterdays hand
slips off my shoulder
tomorrows embrace
takes my lips
brilliant start and smashing ending!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
judyanne
Thu, 2011-10-06 04:46
an awesome write jc
i absolutely love
'as yesterdays hand
slips off my shoulder
tomorrows embrace
takes my lips' .....
'i've heaved the night' .... however
'heaved' - just sounds 'wrong' to me (lol imho of course)
- harsh on the ear in a poem of such acceptance....
- i would like to suggest - dependent on what you are meaning of course
Writhed with/ expelled / breathed .....
love and big hugs
judd
xxxxxxxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-10-06 08:56
you and cat said it- breathless
breathlessly and deceptively simple and profound. Would you believe I almost skipped it as a love poem? Crikey, one must not be so quick to judge. But so much is posted with so much to comment on and so little time!
It makes an argument for good titles, and while it works as a line, I think it's a terrible title. Although I can't seem to come up with a better one at the moment. Generally a title that adds to the poem, rather than being a line from it works best with short poems.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-10-06 10:10
that works, I can't sleep on top
oh, that's not what you meant, is it? [grins]
"Between Worlds"?
"Breathless Wind"?
"Increments of Solitude"?
oh and
milli seconds [milliseconds?]
I just opened chat if you still can't sleep
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ladderwords
Thu, 2011-10-06 10:24
Going through a bit of a transition
I'm going through a bit of a change right now and this poem calls out to me. You've captured how I am feeling. Thank you.
.
J.A. Fisher