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Going Crazy

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Tue, 2011-10-04 03:00

I'm in pain
acting crazy
going to school
Acting a fool
when grades don't improved

Coming apart
at the seams
losing grip, so
Continue holding on
to faith at hand, because

To fail
is to hail
Impaled
Hopes and dreams
I hold dear, and

Tightened screws
Sealed Idiocies
Gagged words
Hold back
Unwise behaviors causing strife

Last few words: 
i don't normally use 'the' because poetry flow well without, but in this piece 'the' seems to flow better to me
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2011-10-04 03:23

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Your use of enjambment, even between verses which can be very risky but works here, draws me in to exactly the state you're presenting. The use of rhyme is judicious and natural, never forced.

Possibly one of your best writes.

I am moved.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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Barbara Writes

Tue, 2011-10-04 13:29

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As a poet i strive for critique such as yours. honest and constructive

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Esker

Tue, 2011-10-04 15:32

Esker's picture

I enjoyed "Bad Girls" (I love the old Bad Boyz theme and play it on U Tube often LOUD)
and I agree with Jess here
Your writing hits concisely on feeling and impact with the swoop
of literary words that are given in a short draw
but in a manner that is quite flowing
You do not stay on rancouer
there is not the drift of it but the
course of a read that gives me
a scene that is realistic and well
described with feeling

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2011-10-04 23:24

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glad you like it.
I'm not sure what rancouer is

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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