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Corporate Villanelle (repost for Fixed Forms workshop)
all property is theft we know is true
this knowledge will now free our thoughts from chains
and corporation's death will soon ensue
with revolutionary spirit we pursue
the boss's lies to death till none remains
all property is theft we know is true
we fight for liberation overdue
our struggle will alleviate our pains
and corporation's death will soon ensue
these hoards of wealth continue to accrue
the trickle-down’s a sop for empty brains
all property is theft we know is true
into the sea and air they daily spew
the waste and filth from ill-gotten gains
and corporation's death will soon ensue
we take the time to think the process through
and each of us class consciousness attains
all property is theft we know is true
and corporation's death will soon ensue
Done a vid-
https://youtu.be/dNOLjKXqEUo
Comments
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-09-25 05:54
Aye, there's the rub
I know it is technically close to form.
But does it have any passion? Soul? The subject certainly does for me, but does it come across?
Oh, and thank you, sir.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-09-26 04:17
thank you
kind sir.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Hooded Stranger
Wed, 2011-09-28 13:38
Ian
Ian,
needs a chorus, bridge, middle 8 and spoken outro before I'll touch it! LOL!
HS
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weirdelf
Fri, 2014-08-22 09:24
You are speaking as a lyricist, rather than a poet.
No, the work merely exemplifies the difficulty in writing with a strong message that over-rides prosodic form.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-09-25 17:39
ah, now you've returned the favour
and brought tears to poor elfies eyes,
thankyou
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
magics02
Sun, 2011-09-25 17:08
It does come across Jess
I like how and what you did this Villanelle on Jess. I only have one trip up for me in this line:
the bosses lies to death till none remains
I read it out loud and it sounds like too many s's. How about the bosses lied to death till none remains or
the boss lies to death till none remains
I am not sure but only want to throw this out at you. I am trying to get back to reading and commenting to the best of my agility:)
I also remember doing one of these and it is harder than most people want to put the effort to writing. Makes me think to try one again after reading this of yours today. Good job mate.
Mona
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-09-25 17:40
thanks so much mona,
and good suggestions, you're quite right about that line,
I'll look into it,
thankyou
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sun, 2011-09-25 18:30
Hi Jess
Them thar "vaniller" forms seem to be sproutin' up more lately. Reckon I'll look up the rules an try one meself 'fore long lol. Only obvious flaws I see in one quick read is that a few commas here and there could be used to break up thoughts.................stan
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-09-26 01:14
thanks Stan
will check out my punctuation
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sat, 2011-10-01 21:19
well goodness gracious me
in CAPS with exclamation mark. How dramatic!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Kailashana2
Mon, 2011-09-26 07:16
Takes a lot of time, energy
Takes a lot of time, energy and know-how, to write a good poem about potent subject-matter in any *strict* form, doesn't it Jess?
~A
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-09-26 08:01
my word
but ultimately I feel it was worth it in this case- to me the somewhat archaic sounding stucture roils nicely with the dynamycism of revolutionary thought.
I suspect I'll be doing a few more works in various tradional forms.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Sat, 2011-10-01 15:32
Jess ...
While I'm not really fond of the form, merely
because of the repetition, which usually feels
forced, and annoying, I think this one, probably
because of the content, doesn't do that. And just
for that you deserve acknowledgement.
I did have a couple of suggestions, it would mean some
changes, but I think would be worth at least considering.
First two lines; instead of "is" true, how about "it's" true.
then perhaps second line; instead of "will now", perhaps
"should now" ... the reason I say this is because this IS
information widely known, and that in itself SHOULD be
enough to rally the common man into saying it's enough.
Great content incorporated in this villanelle, thanks for
posting for us all to see.
Richard
weirdelf
Sat, 2011-10-01 21:20
thanks mate, and the first to comment on content! Cool.
Yes, I think I agree with those suggestions, gonna revise soon.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Sun, 2011-10-02 15:10
hi jess
great commentary
- doesn't need to be particulary emotive, although it is in a way.... very stongly worded and powerful in its own right - it says much for a person to digest...
one little thing
- 'the waste and filth from ill-gotten gains' - seems to be missing a syllable....
(lol just in mho)
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-10-02 15:22
thanks and [grins]
you're the only one who picked up on that meter error, though I was well aware of it, thanks again.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Thu, 2013-02-07 13:46
ta mate,
I just reposted this for Judyanne's "Fixed Verse" workshop.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Sun, 2013-02-10 11:59
thanks jess
for reposting this
i've already commented above, nothing to add -
it's a great example of villanelle for the shop
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Fri, 2018-05-04 18:28
Done a vid
and it was almost as hard to read as it was to write.
Villanelle is not a friendly form.
https://youtu.be/dNOLjKXqEUo
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry