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RAKING LEAVES ( meter workshop)
It's time I rake the leaves outside
so now I'll go and get the rake
at the insistence of my bride
and for propriety's sole sake
I'll rake leaves into small piles about
under the swing and old grape vine arbor
working beneath warm autumn sunshine
a yearly necessary labor
Soon wiping sweat from wrinkled brow
muscles loosened from the work
I survey a job well done
and get a drink of tea
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
themoonman
Tue, 2011-09-27 09:06
Hi Stan ...
I would've rather you gave your explanations
after everyone had read the piece, this would've
allowed us all to reach our own conclusions, with
your directives, it is all but impossible to do, but let
me try to act like I haven't read them ... hmmm, first,
I'll attempt to parse the stress points, or where I read
them.
it's TIME i RAKE the leaves outSIDE
so NOW i'll GO and GET the RAKE
AT the INsistENCE of my BRIDE
and for PRO/PRIety's SOLE SAKE
i'll RAKE LEAVES into SMALL piles aBOUT
UNder the SWING and OLD grape VINE AR/bor
WORKing BEneath WARM AUTumn sunSHINE
a YEARly NECeSSARy LAbor
SOON WIPing SWEAT from WRINKled BROW
MUScles LOOSened FROM the WORK
I surVEY a JOB well DONE
and GET a DRINK of TEA
Now this only reflects where I felt the stress points
to be, I'll go back and re-read your directives and see
how close I got, or how far off I am (lol)
thanks Stan
scribbler
Tue, 2011-09-27 22:51
Hi Richard
My explanations have more to do with the new morphing form I used than with the meter I thought. I am a long way yet from parsing correctly an just kind of took a stab at this. I used this particular form as I thought it works well with the break in meter this stage asked for. Appreciate your input............stan
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2011-09-27 22:53
Hi Ian
I think you would be safe in ignoring the form change explanations and just comment on the poem.........stan
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2011-09-28 08:35
hi Ian
I'll let a few more comments gather then have a go at rewriting. Still not quite up to speed on parsing lol(that's what I get for starting late lol)......stan
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2011-09-28 12:24
Hi Rose
I always value your ideas. The lines you pointed out are the ones which I am also not satisfied with(plus one other). I'll take your comment under advisement when I edit. Thanks for the visit...............stan
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2011-09-28 19:21
Hi Rose
It is my belief that the best writers are the ones who have the best instincts. The technical details just add polish. And in my opinion your instincts are good and you are learning a good bit (maybe a bit slower) sans use of shops which you don;t like. So I'll take your suggestions in mind also..........stan
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2011-09-28 12:16
This is classic Scribbler.
You have an almost conversationalist sense in your poetry and this displays it. Though we were to let ourselves bounce comfortably about in the meter, this bounces a bit too much for me as far as a workshop is concerned.
I had no trouble reading it smoothly as I read a lot of your poetry and hear your voice well. The second stanza changes dramatically back and forth. I disagree with Jess on "insistence" and believe the word is stressed on the second syllable.
Now, I may not have scanned this appropriately as I do tend to get sucked into your "comfort zone" style.
As far as subject is concerned...well done. The thing's as mundane as mine.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
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scribbler
Wed, 2011-09-28 12:27
Hi Wes
"classic scribbler" hmm.... that can be taken more than one way lol. Thanks for your input. I will have a rewrite and explanation of changes posted no later than Friday.......................stan PS You mean I Have a style? Lmao
author commentwesley snow
Fri, 2011-09-30 18:59
Oh indeed.
You have a rather distinctive style. If I wasn't making such excellent progress with Book Two right now, I would make an attempt at mimicking it for fun. I think I could. There is much about "our" poetry that coincides. My biggest problem would come with the subjects. I don't have the instinct to take something simple and turn into something profound. I spend far too much effort when writing a small poem trying to find the perfect subject matter. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-10-02 06:31
I'll have a go...
It's time/ I rake/ the leaves/ outside
so now/ I'll go/ and get/ the rake
at the/ insis/tence of/ my bride
and for/ propri/ety's/ sole sake
[all pretty much Iambic Tetrameter]
I'll rake leaves into small piles about
under the swing and old grape vine arbor
working beneath warm autumn sunshine
a yearly necessary labor
[pretty much irregular, and doesn't flow so well]
Soon wip/ing sweat/ from wrink/led brow [iambic tetrameter]
muscles/ loosened/ from the/ work [strong truncated iambic tetrameter]
I survey a job well done [iamb/anapest/iamb]
and get a drink of tea [iambic trimeter]
I think you've pretty much got the hang of iambic, considering you misunderstood the instructions for this exercise. I'd love to see you try something in trochaic sometime.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry