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An Epitaph
The digits, that reached you
Behind a strip of red
Hiding, just as you
Lifeless.
The end, unwritten,
In one last cold breath.
Perhaps, your greatest trick
Was convincing me
That you never existed at all?
I remember
Alone in an alien town, with you
Drenched in one another’s tones
Your eyes, filled with affection
Mine overflowing with longing
A breakfast we will never forget
An evening we can’t help but remember
My screams bounce off your spine
Your cruel words, unchanged, unscathed.
In your darkest times, you held on to my collar
The very collar you let go
Into the ocean, with absolute
Conviction of your actions
Just when I needed you the most.
Not expecting a testimony,
Notwithstanding, the truth
This may have been your decision,
But you were always a better friend
Than my love, my love
But you’ve left me confused, wondering
Which one of those faces defaced me
And rendered me incapable of existing..
Here lies, your best friend
Your elefriend
Slowly shedding skin
In a decomposing exterior
Losing momentum and mass
Here lies.. your panda,
but I realise
That’s not me no more.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
a piece i wrote for the love of my life right after we broke up. 'twas pretty hard on me, considering i'd gone all in and wasn't expecting it to end the way it did. anyway, this was what came out of it. and to people who may be wondering, she liked to call me her "elefriend"
Editing stage:
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Comments
dhruv
Mon, 2011-09-05 14:36
absolutely. been trying to
absolutely. been trying to read this as a third person and i don't know what i was thinking when i was writing it. technically, one should be able to communicate the thoughts with the chosen words but i can see that it's not the case here.
this is about the moment you begin to cut out someone who's been extremely close to you for a majority of your life. the digits hiding behind a strip of red refer to a blocked phone number on a cellphone.
and please, i might as well change the option from "i appreciate moderate constructive criticism" to the "knock me on my back" one because i really appreciate harsh words when they are for my own betterment. if anything, i appreciate you being as honest as you are.
Dhruv
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2011-09-05 08:24
Got to agree with ephraim
read this as prose
It's a victim poem.
Sorry but it is.
I've got no patience for women who make themselves victims.
Cut his ballls off.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
dhruv
Mon, 2011-09-05 14:38
and i expected nothing else
and i expected nothing else from you, Jess. and i have to say i agree with you. a weaker moment, i suppose. this one should probably not have left the pages of the notebook i wrote it in. but i suppose it's the failures that help get the best of you out by the end of it.
i hope the next thing i write is more to your taste, and in all senses of the word, better.
Dhruv
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2011-09-05 14:44
I am trying to be less harsh
If you needed to write it you needed it read. Enough said.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geezer
Mon, 2011-09-05 08:30
As Ephraim...
says, I am baffled by the first stanza. I have trouble figuring out just what you mean. I'm thinking that you are sitting across from the girl trying to hold her hand, but she doesn't let you? The rest of the poem flowed nicely and I thought that you executed it well. Your title was good, the language was too.
The pattern, pace, was smooth. I read through the rest of it without a hitch. Re-think your use of commas. I know that sometimes we would like a pause but are not sure if we should use a comma, but I think that the natural flow of the words and thoughts provide such pauses. [I have trouble with them too]. Line 7 stanza 5 I think you should change the word faces to facets then you wouldn't have the word face twice in the same line. In your last stanza, either change the word [In] to [On] or leave it off altogether. BTW what is an [elefriend]? I hope I wasn't too critical and that I helped you. ~ Gee
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dhruv
Mon, 2011-09-05 14:29
guys, all of you, thanks a
guys, all of you, thanks a ton for the responses. the only reason i am hooked to this place is because nowhere else will i get opinions and criticism as honest as you guys provide me with. trust me when i say that everything i read from you all, it's taken as constructive criticism and i hope that will shine through with whatever i write next.
i'm going to re-read this from start to finish once more, and try to improve on the language and comma use. you hit the nail right on the head when you pointed out the trouble i've been having with commas.
oh and, elefriend is one of those mush words people come up with, a combination of an elephant (lets just say i've just managed to get in shape now) and a friend.
Dhruv
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