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Hobart, 19th of July, 1824: Alexander Pierce muses while awaiting the gallows

We returned to alien children
and wives we had forgot,
homes submersed in rot.
These women would not soften
privy that we picked dead men
from our teeth: brother’s blood ill-begot.
We writ their names in the sand not
seen by morning-light, their bones broken,

carried away by evening tides.
These men will not forgive us,
in sleep we sweat and scream
in nightmares our time we bide.
Within your guts we hold their rage continuous—
and only when compared to the devil are we redeemed.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is my first attempt at a sonnet, using the Italian octave and sestet. I first attempted an anapestic tetrameter (da da DUM x4 per line), but couldn't make it work so I gave up on that. This sonnet is without a meter and has a PLETHORA of issues. Any help and suggestions are greatly appreciated! All about Alexander Pearce: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Pearce
Editing stage: 

Comments

First off, in the title, Pierce, Pearce.

Summary; I believe you are attempting to posture more of
a conscience than Pearce may have actually had, in my research
of the man, his last words were " Man's flesh is delicious, much better
than fish or pork" ... but, he may have been suffering from nightmares,
so I'll put that up as poetic license.

Sonnet; I won't pretend to be any sort of expert on the form, I have tried
them, and I know that many modern poets have written them without meter.
Yours does possess the music of language, even though the language is
written in attempt to portray the language of that time, it does deliver, for the
most part. One line in particular I stumbled on, or word actually, is "privy", to
me it doesn't make sense there.

Next thing for me is in the final stanza, where did the "we" come from, doesn't
seem to coincide with my research, of course you may be privy to more than
I've found, but after the pool is finished I'd like to know.

Your last two lines, the summation, I felt a space before them would set them
apart and add to the flavor of being a sonnet, also, why the hyphen, jarring
and isn't needed.

An enjoyable piece to read and research, I thank you for posting!

Richard

Did protagonist have a tapeworm? That would explain all the we's lol. I well understand the difficulty in maintaining a perfect rhyme when using a complicated scheme but still keep tripping over the "scream-redeemed" miss. "in sleep I perspired and screamed" would tighten it up or anything to maintain tense......stan

I loathe using the terminology "nice poem" or "good piece" particularly in a workshop of this nature. That having been said, I will attempt to substantiate my comment!
You have set the tone and brought us exactly up to that point in time that the protagonist looks back retrospectively, on how he got to that place. Good metaphor, 'alien children', one that many a 'deserter of a parent, would be able to relate to. This metaphor is reinforced by the reference to "the wives we had forgot" would prefer to see the correct past tense used, despite altering the rhyme. I found the attempt to rhyme, too forced and artificial, abeit and attempt to write in 'the historical period' mode.
"We returned to alien children
and wives we had forgot,
homes submersed in rot."
Following up on Richard's comment, I understand the use of the word "privy" has to do with the term "privy to the fact" and by abbreviating it, you may well lose some of its' meaning and leave the reader baffled. The intended (?)meaning, if read as such, is indeed ingenius.
These women would not soften
privy that we picked dead men
from our teeth:
THey knew his guilt and were not about to assuage his murderous crimes. This is all the more reinforced by the resultant nightmares the protagonist must endure.
These men will not forgive us,
in sleep we sweat and scream
in nightmares our time we bide.
Strong closure of this theme in the last lines. Just threw me a bit the use of 'Your guts". Shouldn't it be "our" ? i.e. reflective pronoun?
My final comment is that I found the title a little too elaborate and burdensome. More of an introduction to prose or a historical observation and not poetic enough. Just my personal preference I imagine. Hope that gives you some added insights.
Regards
Boni

Bonitaj

Just putting something here to get this back toward top of stream lol

When you told me you attempting a sonnet in anapestic tetrameter I almost said "Why make life so hard on yourself, go for iambic or trochaic".
But you have achieved something far superior.
This is almost like anglo-saxon poetry. There are two lines that are cumbersome, you don't need me to point them out, then add a little alliteration or assonance and I think you'll have a masterpiece on your hands.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Here you go, back to stream top lol............stan PS come on folks! lets get back to commenting

I'd like to hear your response with your intent for this piece.

Then back to the Deep Analysis page for final feedback?
ta.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I like your style but I'll have to get back to you on the technique. I certainly like the use of olde language and you whet my desire to look up this person "Alexander Pierce". A fine effort John

I intend almost a full re-write, primarily focusing on eliminating the forced rhymes and clumsy sentence structure.

author comment

when you do your revisions go the the Edit tab above the title and post them here. This is an important function on Neopoet as it allows us to follow the evolution of a poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

As I know relatively nothing about poetic forms and formulaes, I can only ask what is wrong with using the words forgotten and begotten?

I quite admire a vanishing art, so to speak. The bygone days when these forms were the poems of their heyday.

I also like to gain new information...it is a good thing we do not imprison folks for stealing shoes, although we imprison them into poverty by various modern schemes. I digress, once again.

~A

This poem made me think of poor Mary Wade and Jane Whiting aboard the "Lady Juliana" I love poems with a base in history. Its what I try to do myself sometimes.

John

I haven't heard of Mary Wade or Jane Whiting, I'm going to have to look them up:)!

Have you read The Bishop Orders His Tomb At St. Prax's by Robert Browing. Based in history and an utterly amazing poem to boot; I suggest you look it up it's a fantastic read!

author comment
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