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Longing to Leave
I long to disappear
I have no strength to fly
fold my wings and dive
deep below the cresting waves
let the rip tide pull me
leaving all anguish
leaving desolation
cradled in cold
no longer weighted
my mind quiet at last.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Once again...Thank you to Jess for the edit!
Editing stage:
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Comments
Loreli
Sat, 2011-08-13 21:20
Thanks My Friend
I know you and I share a similar struggle.....
I hope this finds you in a better space than I am at the moment! Thanks for your very generous comments.
Lori
Loreli
Sun, 2011-08-14 19:28
Dear Rosi
I do know what you mean, thanks my friend. I know there is light somewhere...I just lose sight of it and let the darkness take hold. Mostly I am very good at hiding it from those in my life, however because of this it comes out in my writing. I will be okay, and I know you will be also. Take care of you....xxxxxx
Lori
raj
Sun, 2011-08-14 05:36
Loreli
the anguish and resignation are perceptible in this write...may those waves you plunge into wash away those feelings and enable you to come out with renewed vigor and strengthen your wings to make the most of this life you are blessed with...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Loreli
Sun, 2011-08-14 19:32
Dear Raj
Thank for your beautiful message to me. It made me feel very blessed indeed to have you as my friend here on Neo. You should make that into a poem, it was very inspirational, you have such a gifted way about you. I will come out of this....I always do, and yes I have many things to be thankful for.
Lori
raj
Mon, 2011-08-15 05:50
Loreli
it is so good to know your resolve to get through the troubles into sunshine and rain
much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Sun, 2011-08-14 21:19
hello
I read this a more a yearning for freedom from always striving than resignation. Goes to show what i know lol.....stan
Loreli
Mon, 2011-08-15 09:37
Dear Stan
That is what is so great about poetry...we all interpret (sp?) things differently! Thanks for commenting.
Cheers, Lori
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-08-15 06:51
the first four lines scan beautifully
but read the rest aloud and hear the jarring of the language.
It's mostly the line
leaving all anguish and desolation
perhaps instead
leaving all anguish
leaving desolation
and maybe
no longer feeling weighted
no longer weighted
and
my mind finally quiet
my mind quiet at last
just some ideas, read them aloud, it is the final test of all poetry.
It is a beautifully expressed sentiment, just a little work and I think it could be great.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Loreli
Mon, 2011-08-15 09:40
Thank you Jess
I like the changes, they do make it flow more easily. Will make the changes soon. Appreciate as always your suggestions.
Lori
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-08-15 09:59
but remember always
it is your poem
your vision
don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.
I am never offended if my suggestions are not taken.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Loreli
Tue, 2011-08-16 21:03
Thanks Jess
But I do feel the poem is better thanks to you! Good to know though that you wouldn't be offended if I didn't take your suggestions, lol. I still do feel it is my poem...just better.
Cheers back at ya,
Lori