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The Question Remains...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2011-07-21 12:52

The sound of silence soothes the ear
My eyes feast upon the stars
The shell that hosts my mind is earthbound
and thoughts float among the stellar

Finding new meaning in all the mundane things
I glory in the ephiphanies of day to day discovery
Daring not to close my eyes
I might miss some new revelation

I cringe in the brightness of each axiom
and reach for the peace of complacency
Up and down the scale of emotion
I am lifted and I fall
Surrendering... then fighting
as though I can win

All the time in the world, is short
The universe creeps and time crawls
for the wanting
Yet, too soon the lights are extinquished
leaving me in the dark

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

lou

Fri, 2011-07-22 01:09

lou's picture

I like this one a lot. The only things I'd change is line 1 stanza 1, I'd take out the words my ears, I just think it sounds better; and in stanza 2 I'd take out of the world, for the same reason. But this may just be personal preference, they fit quite well.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Geezer

Fri, 2011-07-22 19:34

Geezer's picture
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Grasshopper. I did eliminate the [ s ], from ears, I think Ian is right. I also took out the [ of the world ].
You were right about that. it is so great to have such discerning criticism from my friends. Thank you both. ~ Yoda/Gee

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author comment

Geezer

Fri, 2011-07-22 19:36

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about taking the [ s ] away from the ears. It does sound better, and is closer to the meaning of what I intended. Thank you both, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-07-22 23:59

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although is part of that first line not Simon and Garfunkle copyrighted? (only partly joking)

Altogether too many I, my and me's. Some could easily be deleted.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geezer

Sun, 2011-07-24 09:03

Geezer's picture
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that it is far enough in the past, that it now falls under public domain. LOL
I agree about the I's and me's and have adjusted accordingly. What do you think now? ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2011-07-24 10:46

weirdelf's picture
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much tighter. I like the piece a lot more.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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