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A poem to my son
I was a king
With my prince by my side
A king made of silver and gold
A house to live in this king could provide
With my son the prince by my side
The meaning of silver and gold
Should have been my assiduous love born of the light in his eye?
All work and no play set a paradigm
That silver and gold was only the means
For my own selfish pride
I cannot change those childhood years of his life
Or even give a reason when he ask me to fly
And as the lord gives the lord will take away
A king made of silver and gold could never be the balance that love could provide
Now I am a king without the silver and gold
However, I have a kingdom by my son and daughter and my grandson that I hold
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
this poem is to my son . When he was younger I was so consumed with being a business owner and making money that I forgot about my only son and his needs and my responsibility to put his life ,his friendship , his love above my status . I have raised my son for most of his life . But me as a father I am still learning
Editing stage:
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Comments
crypticbard
Fri, 2011-04-29 03:02
A theme and sentiment
That I hold dear to my heart. I am not sure what the current conventions are regarding varying number of lines for every stanza. If it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother me. A final note - I understand the nature of this kingdom as stated in the last line... but had hoped that in keeping with the title would be focused primarily on "the son." Being the last line it holds a lot of power and would be the final imprint on the reader/listener's mind. So to add the daughter and the grandson may throw them into a spin. It is my hope that it does not. Just looking at the unity of the lines and their content, nothing to do with discriminating or leaving out the other two. But that is just me and one opinion in a rather large ocean. Cheers.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
Geezer
Fri, 2011-04-29 06:57
I agree...
with cryptic. To suddenly add the daughter, and the grandson, it kinda throws one off. i wasn't put off by the variance of lines per stanza, [ there are times when I want to do that myself ] I do think that you could pare them down some though. maybe instead of having such lengthy lines, you could find ways to say the same thing, with fewer words, and/or add them to the stanzas that are lacking? Great theme, but needs a little work. ~ Gee
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magics02
Fri, 2011-07-15 21:01
Press
May I come back to this one and give me view and critique on it? It is from the heart and I can pick up that this is for your son. Just remember you are and have been there for him and that is more than what some parents can say about thier children.
I have my own regrets for not being there all the time for my Joe but guess what I have been there more for him than anyone else in my life ever:) Glad to see you back brother
Blessings
Mona