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Existence a curse

Submitted by ShePra on Wed, 2011-07-06 13:50

I was born
as an angel
as a free soul
then who cuffed my wings
and raped my soul?

Every relation betrayed
every relation sold
a part of me
a part of my soul
was I so difficult to hold?

Soul of mine
tries its best
to ease my pain
but silly forgets
the blazing heart

I ask me
I ask myself
is existence such a curse
or being such a pain
poor! With What words could it define?

A murmur said
fly to heavens
you don’t belong here
smiled I & said
do I belong there?.....

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Wed, 2011-07-06 14:05

I feel touched reading this very emotive write..very expressive and effective...well done....

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

ShePra

Wed, 2011-07-06 14:44

I am glad that u liked it.. Will sleep smiling.. Thx buddy

author comment

raj

Wed, 2011-07-06 14:53

yes indeed...i liked its flow like a natural spring...

be well ...

raj (sublime_ocean)

weirdelf

Wed, 2011-07-06 14:59

weirdelf's picture
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I would like to suggest that "&" instead of "and" detracts, as does "thee", especially grammatically incorrectly used, as you have. The capital letters on words doesn't quite work as a device.

Also
& raped my soul [?]

If I seem to be nit picking it is because all these things detract from the integral honesty of what could be a good write.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

ShePra

Wed, 2011-07-06 15:17

hey Jess

i am glad that I could write something that u could comment on.. well all the suggestions accepted .. will keep the things in mind..

“Raping soul” is such a betrayal that only beloved can do...

With the suggestion from neopoets any piece can be a master piece.. thx for your comments..

regards

Shepra

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2011-07-06 15:35

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glad you could hear me.

On the line
and raped my soul
[?] wasn't questioning the line, I was suggesting a question mark at the end of the question-

then who cuffed my wings
and raped my soul?

Otherwise it is ambiguous, did the soul rape itself?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

ShePra

Wed, 2011-07-06 15:39

well i am not sure about the question mark... but as u have suggested i have done the changes..

thanks...

regards

shepra

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