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Senyus / Haikus

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Sun, 2011-07-03 21:22

Senyu

Hurdlers scurry treetops
Stowing wintertime supply
two squirrels gather nuts
______________________
Haiku

Behind rain, lighting
Bright, reddish, stormy heavens
Awe an orange sun sets
_________________________
Haiku

Hung above snow clouds
Amidst rain, thunder, lighting
A rainbow paints skies
________________________
Senyu

Birds glide south, to rest
From strain, of winter famine
Depart, vacant nest

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Comments

raj

Sun, 2011-07-03 23:23

Barbara

a good haiku/senryu (i could never figure out the difference) which created the picture for me,,,nice and smooth...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2011-07-04 00:08

Raj

Thanks ive been writing haiku for a while
I learn how to write and know the difference right here at neo
Never heard of either before neo

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2011-07-04 06:54

lovely!

Haiku/senryu don't have titles! they are the purist minimalism of poetry.

A couple of suggestions

Behind the rainstorm
Bright ruddy skies and dark clouds
the sun sets [eliminate the inessential to create an evocative ending]

Hung above snow clouds
Amidst rain, thunder, lighting
A rainbow paints westerns skies [sorry but horrible cliche, again, eliminate the inessential to create an evocative ending]
Western skies
or
oh, a rainbow

Just suggestions, I don't mean you to use my wording. In haiku less is always more.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2011-07-04 11:13

Jess

Thanks for the suggestions

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2011-07-05 00:45

Jess

thanks again for the suggestions. I been to a convention all weekend and now can focus on your suggestion. having your input is always nice

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2011-07-05 01:01

my please always,

my lady,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Neopoet

Senyus / Haikus