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~as lovers do

Submitted by Ink Artist on Sat, 2011-06-18 14:21

we stayed miles north of ordinary
on the far side of awakening
and stole away Saturdays with
half-broke horses and ravens in winter white

the scent of us still lingers there
in wildflowers

I visit mountain sorrow with endlessly empty arms
melt beautiful from the silence of snow
let moonlight memories weep 'til dawn

waiting for you

to kiss the eyelids of my mourning sleep
so I can find you again
and fold you inside my poetry

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

themoonman

Sun, 2011-06-19 05:09

themoonman's picture
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Your beginning lines are a little abstract, but they
do work for me as I can relate to the miles from the
ordinary and the far side of awakening ... especially
liked the miles from ordinary!

in wildflowers; sends a picture of summer or spring,
not sure if that is even needed there as the rest of the
setting is winter.

I visit mountain sorrow; it would seem you've named the
mountain, unsure if that is your intention there, personally,
I think I'd try " I visit the mountain in sorrow"

mourning sleep; sends a bigger picture than "morning sleep"

A fine little poem, picturesque, particularly liked the "half-broke
horses and ravens in winter white"

thanks for posting

Richard

scribbler

Sun, 2011-06-19 17:41

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I really enjoyed this but think a few changes would clarify intended message
l-4.........ravens into winter's white
last line fold you within my poetry
Just a few ideas you can think about................stan

CCfire

Mon, 2011-06-20 00:42

CCfire's picture

I love 'miles from ordinary' it just gives rise to thoughts of things between you and someone that are wonderfully original and fresh. You kept me reading and that ending I just loved.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

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