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on the road to what stands in the way

Submitted by Kailashana2 on Thu, 2011-06-16 08:10

i.

as the thread continues
to weave itself
into a long-ago Jersey summer:

sometimes wild geese
lose their balance and land
ungracefully

we were young then
and the days ached
with laughter

ii

once
Buddha
lingered near the river
under a Bodhi tree,
it was then I picked up my
satchel of sorrow

my shadow
walked away

and the ground swallowed my tears...

iii.

I want to wrap you in poems
take you away from the door
you keep bringing me to

crying in the distance

I walkabout
the desert of my denial,
your heart beating inside mine,

if you leave,
I'll never come back.

iv.

into this moment
I am reborn
returning
to the constant
drumming

I see you.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2011-06-16 10:07

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may you grow fat amongst your poetry and husbands
(in Zulu may you grow fat amongst your cattle and wives )

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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Kailashana2

Thu, 2011-06-16 11:27

Thanks, U2 I made a correction that may work...

Feeling god-awful, I'm going back to bed... maybe if and when I wake up I'll dream another dream.

~A

author comment

loved

Thu, 2011-06-16 11:57

loved's picture

A Dream May Be

There appears to be indignant sorrow,
Embedded some where

……..Maybe if and when I wake up
I'll dream another dream……..

SLEEP IS HALF DEATH,
SUBCONSCIOUSLY
AND THE DREAM WE DREAM
LINKS LIFE AND DEATH
AND
EACH MORNING IT WAKES US UP,
TILL IT TIRES.

SO AWAKE MY FRIEND,
MEDITATE
CONCENTRATE
REVERBERATE
AND
THEN DO STATE

ALL LIFE ITSELF IS
BUT A DREAM....

loved

wesley snow

Thu, 2011-06-16 13:43

wesley snow's picture
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and I shan't give up. I tried, but still all I drew from this was a collection of thoughts. Some of them beautifully phrase, but little cohesive. Keep teaching me and I will find you. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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magics02

Thu, 2011-06-16 16:58

AI felt this write especially today in the shape I am in. It talks to me

this part here most of all:

once
Buddha
lingered near the river
under a Bodhi tree,
it was then I picked up my
satchel of sorrow ( loved this paraphrase here)

my shadow
walked away

and the ground swallowed my tears...

I really like how you did this one. Very good and I know not a good crit but I call them out as I feel them and see them
Be well
Mona

Pamela A. Lamppa

Fri, 2011-06-17 08:17

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

These are beautiful vignettes, snippets of the path as it unfolds through life. I am unsure about the change in tense in the first vignette and wonder if “continues” should be “continued”. Leading in with “as” has me expecting something to happen. I saw what used to happen after this phrase and it felt awkward to me. I wanted to read:

sometimes wild geese
lose their balance and land
ungracefully

BUT THESE LINES:

“my shadow
walked away

and the ground swallowed my tears...”

PURE POETIC BRILLIANCE. They made the entire poem worth it to me. Really beautiful.

I love vignettes when done well and think they offer so much to a reader. Thank you for the opportunity to absorb your words. ~Pamela

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Kailashana2

Fri, 2011-06-17 08:29

Thank you all for reading.

Made some changes accordingly thanks to Elf and Kal.

And you're entirely correct about the second stanza which I will change, Pamela. However, the first stanza stays..... I understood long ago when the poet is immersed in the stream of life, the beginning is rewritten and simultaneously being written...combining the past present and the future. At least that's my double-take. And I'm sticking to it, for the time being anyway. ;-)

~A

author comment

Pamela A. Lamppa

Fri, 2011-06-17 08:52

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

I think I have missed that line "I understood long ago"
Maybe in the original version? I did not read anything prior to what is posted here.
I guess I am confused - I have no idea what you are talking about. Perhaps I need more coffee this a.m. LOL

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Kailashana2

Fri, 2011-06-17 09:16

Maybe both of us need another cup of coffee? lol. Besides I still feel terrible and my brains might be scrambled this morning and the nature of my beast is tired and hungry.

~A

author comment

Pamela A. Lamppa

Fri, 2011-06-17 09:18

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

Well, at least I know I am in good company.
Thanks Anna

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