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Really Really Sad

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Sat, 2011-06-11 23:36

It's really sad
When family care and
Most likely understand, but
you can't help feeling overwhelmed
by the disappointments of life

Feeling hopeless
you can't tell them your sorrows
because they're too trivial, selfish,
childish, and self-centered

Been told too many times to put others first,
but when trying hard to do that,
the mental challenges it takes to empathize,
makes it harder to grasp whether thoughts
and ideas are right or wrong

In the end it's usually wrong
when you can't read faces and body language
Getting it wrong every time the wind shifts

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2011-06-14 12:17

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I totally agree and like the way you did this.
When writing this I was very tired but felt the need to write
Thanks again for the suggestion I will make the changes.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Pamela A. Lamppa

Tue, 2011-06-14 12:48

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

This is a diary entry. There is very little poetic value in this presentation and it makes me think "oh poor me." I have a hunch that is not where you wanted me to go, but the poem places me in no other place - completely unimpressive.

However, there is much that can be done with this as it is an age old story that many people will be able to relate to. What will make this sing is to find a way to bring this old topic to the forefront in a new and exciting way. Bring the attention away from 'self' and help it to be understood by all.

As it stands, this piece will not have the impact you desire.

~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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loved

Tue, 2011-06-14 13:29

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all the time
but we have to swallow
each time ....
as we are destined to

loved

Kailashana2

Tue, 2011-06-14 13:35

Barbara, a poem works only because the reader reading the poem is touched in one or another manner. Almost always it's on a subtle but insightful level.

Take the poem and write an experience of what you're saying, when you were probably filled with all types of emotional situations and you had to listen to someone else's troubles.

Then flesh it out and make us suck the marrow from its bones.

~A

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2011-06-14 16:08

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I will certainly work on it. I was hoping for just thus type of critique to make these feeling do just as all of you've suggested

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Barbara Writes

Thu, 2011-06-16 01:58

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A~ I fully see what you are telling me about the experiences. I even have some experiences in my mind i think will work, but writing it now I feel i must rewrite the entire poem to revised it to that point. Why not share a revision you think will work with an experience. I certainly will consider using.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

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