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~imprints

I know how love has
etched itself into creases of a single night

when we wrote poetry with trembles
and sighs
and sang together in harmony
of heaving hips

above us
the moon spun
stars crumbled
and color was born

as awakening pressed yellow
against thin skin of my eyes
I found myself alone
again

only the shape of you lingered
sculpted in empty wrinkles
between silk sheets

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

thanks for your critique, chrys. i agree that the second and third stanza's are a bit cliche, which was kind of the scene i wanted to paint. the old cliched one night stand image when one fell fast and woke up alone. i wanted it to sound as though anyone could have written it, in a certain way. maybe it didn't come across as i intended. i'll see what kind of revisions i can make to add stronger impact. thanks for reading! :)

~lori

"I am the lonely soul of a waterfall."

author comment

I hear this and I feel it but it seems the tense shifts or is somewhat off. I think some honing for impact and emotion might be necessary.

Suggestions? -

I know how love
is etched
to crease a single night

we wrote poetry
with trembled sighs
and sang harmoniously
through heaving hips

above

the moon spun
stars crumbled

and yellow was born

it pressed against
lids and woke with flutters

to alone

only your essence
held shape
in empty wrinkles
between silk sheets

I love your image and I love your emotion. Such bare honesty in verse is remarkably humbling. I want to reach out and hold these thoughts so close - so very close. Title is amazing.

~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

thanks for the feedback and great suggestions, pam. i think this piece is somewhat misunderstood from what i had intended so i'll re-work some things to see if i can bring the image i wanted out in a stronger voice. thanks so much for the input. :)

~lori

"I am the lonely soul of a waterfall."

author comment

This almost is a conglomeration of 3 recent poems of mine. Funny how brilliant minds work alike...

I know how love has
etched itself into creases of a single night

(I know how love is
etched into creases of night)
[present tense with *is* is always stronger, more effective]

when we wrote poetry with trembles
and sighs
and sang together in harmony
of heaving hips

(because I remember
we wrote poetry
with trembles
and heaving hips sighed
in harmony)
[weaving together the first and 2nd stanzas & simplifying]

above us
the moon spun
stars crumbled
and color was born
[perfect!]

as awakening pressed yellow
against thin skin of my eyes
I found myself alone
again
(awakened, I found myself
alone
the thin skin of yellow
pressed against my eyes}
[a simple rewording]

only the shape of you lingered
sculpted in empty wrinkles
between silk sheets
(remove *in*)
[now perfect! imo]

for your muse to use or not (or even abuse ;-)

~A

oops. forgot to proofread.

thanks for the wonderful suggestions, ana. much appreciated. i'll be revising and re-working this piece. :)

~lori

"I am the lonely soul of a waterfall."

author comment

Me. Not you. Which speaks to a small diminishing of your poem. I will agree with Pamela here that I like the poem, but somehow "it" happened too soon or too fast or too...something. It might be that the lover is here and then suddenly he is not and that was the intention, but that's putting words in your mouth and if it was your intention then it failed. The poem was strong enough that I was ready to be moved come the end of the poem. Although the clean and imaginative image at the end was superb poetry, you rather came to it, left and that was that. I was let down some.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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thanks for the critique, wesley. it is much appreciated. i guess i missed something in translation here. i did want to portray the image of a lover being there and then suddenly being gone. i had hoped to create the image of NOT being moved at the ending, so maybe that worked, lol, but not in the way intended apparently. i'll be re-working this piece to try to create stronger images. thanks for reading and your feedback! :)

~lori

"I am the lonely soul of a waterfall."

author comment

Feels as if this could be vignettes and that perhaps you could make each one a little more visual and original by putting this into that style of poem. The thoughts are soft, they just need some sparkle to make this poem shine brightly

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Yes, I hadn't thought of that and it is a great idea.
I think Chez is on to something there.

~Pam

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

thanks for the input, c. i'll be revising this to try to get the original inspiration and thought better translated. :)

~lori

"I am the lonely soul of a waterfall."

author comment

Vignettes is an excellent idea. Don't know if you want to use it, but if my two cents aren't tarnished, I wanted to throw them behind the thought.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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