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Shark Pool ~ Flowing with the last Narcissus

Flowing with the last Narcissus  (original version)

flowing with the last Narcissus
you've taken meaning out of context
extracted sterling weights of measure
from the rings around the moon
you've heard the morning warbler awaken
the cacophony of receding stars
and touched the bark of sentiment hanging
loosely from the white river birch,
the tortoise head bobs
as he meanders into the vanishing horizon,
obliquely unaware: he may be the last of his kind,
so what does this say if not the sound that will break
the silence as footsteps travel up the mountain path
stepping on the heels of generations, your golden
hair standing up in arms,
come to my defense pleads the Aquarian mammal
and the cold wind from the North flatland smashes into her face
while the mountain caps plead insanity.

Flowing with the last Narcissus
(after the workshop suggestions implemented)

you’ve taken meaning out of context
extracted sterling weights of measure
from rings around the moon

you’ve heard the morning warbler awaken
the cacophony of receding stars
and touched the bark of sentiment hanging
loosely from the white river birch

the tortoise head bobs
as he meanders into the vanishing horizon
obliquely unaware
he may be the last of his kind

so what does this say?

if not the sound
that will break
 the silence?
footsteps travel up the mountain path
stepping on the heels of generations,  your golden
hair standing up in arms

“come to my defense”
pleads the Aquarian mammal
and a cold wind from the North flatland
smashes into her face
as the mountain caps plead insanity

Note:  As this still was missing complete understanding I wrote another poem rather than revamping this one, which I liked as is, since I often write many poems on the same subject.

Being Human

at the expense of being human
the world is burning....
the aftermath of Civilizations,
less than empathetic
and intelligent
..
species vanish
a picture speaks for what the passenger
pigeon carried to the light of day,

the Barbary Lion roars no more
in savannah grassland
and the Golden Toad laughs with the
Laughing Owl laughing

unrepentant, there will be blood
and oil, here is the world we
co-create

here lies man in his killing fields
the Parrot of Paradise,
mocking his memory.

The poem, Being Human had a link before and after, in order to facilitate further clarification, should they be necessary.

 

Last few words: 
I pasted this from Word, using the *formatting option (assuming it would translate exactly). It didn't. I had the original poem aligned left, the reworked poem a la workshop centered and the third (totally new poem) aligned right. ~A
Editing stage: 

Comments

Just wanted to let you know I'd read this submission ...
Your rewrite is more clear, yet I think perhaps still a bit
obscure if I didn't already know the intention of the write.
I think it is the reference to "golden hair", to me that doesn't
really portray mankind (although each of us do) ... hmmmm

loved the third one; being human, we can't help but write on
the subject, we are after all ...

thanks for posting

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