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Fool Circle

Submitted by docmaverick on Thu, 2011-06-02 03:29

Unripened fears
obscurred by misty, future tears

everblurring visions
of what I hope will soon happen to me;

daunted passions
clouded windows, and myriad "jarred" doors.

By my own admissions,
how can I know for sure that, a dream realized will console me?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Merely tried to expand upon a brief thought. doc.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Thu, 2011-06-02 04:27

Works for me.

~A

docmaverick

Thu, 2011-06-02 04:50

docmaverick's picture

...glad it does.
sincerely,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

Rottiestyl

Thu, 2011-06-02 09:06

Rottiestyl's picture

This one hits home for me right now - dreams that I wish could come true but would probably panic like a school girl if they did, lol, 6 of one half a dozen of another. Very good write.

Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.

By: K. Mulroney

" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."

docmaverick

Sat, 2011-06-04 09:33

docmaverick's picture

...that this one spoke to you.
Thanx, so very much fo your comments.
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

Pamela A. Lamppa

Thu, 2011-06-02 12:39

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

I don't think we ever truly know what the future holds, but I was once told, it is just so much better to say "Gee, I wish I hadn't than Gee, I wish I had."

We never know until we take that chance. If not this time, then perhaps the next. But, each step we take toward enlightenment or love has a way of making the next step that much easier.

You ask a question many have asked throughout life. You will touch your reader with this subject because just about everyone can relate.

As far as technicality goes, I think this a bit wordy for free-verse poetry. It verges on prose cut up to look like poetry. You might practice a bit more brevity in this work.

An example might be:

"raw fear
obscures

future tears blur vision
cloud windows

as myriads of jarred doors
daunt inner passion"

Just a thought.
All in all, your message is clear.
Thank you for the opportunity to absorb your words. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

docmaverick

Sat, 2011-06-04 09:35

docmaverick's picture

...used to freeform, it was suggested to me to try.
I greatly appreciate your imput.
sincerely,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment
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