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ASTERISK

you came to me
and drew me in
the velvet closeness
dark and daring

our plots
and thoughts
like rich veins
thick and singing

the waves of want lapping
thirsty as a stray
and how we played
and now we stay

haunted
extricated
slowly
one bruised leg
at a time

sweet this wind
that seeps
through this

and your touch
lands like a gunshot
hot and stinging
the
equisite graze of
these wounds
another notch
on our scarred hearts

Style / type: 
Free verse
Editing stage: 

Comments

beyond a drug
impossible to tame
and why?

invaluable and powerful
enough to make the heart
ache

author comment

But I will give you what I can concerning the write. First off let me say the language is strong and evocative. I could appreciate the feeling attempted. I did not quite understand the purpose of some of the line breaks. In most cases I feel a poet (particularly those writing free verse) will use line breaks in an attempt to cause the reader pause or speed up in specific locations. The line breaks here seemed rather arbitrary. An example is where you leave a single article ("the") alone on a line. For what purpose? It neither changed my pace nor shifted my attention to another point of the poem.
The meter of the piece, though not consistent, offered no hindrance to the poem, but neither did it enhance. The occasional moments the phrasing sped up was not placed so that it brought a particularly moving moment to the forefront. It simply sped the pace. Again, not to any hindrance of the feel of the poem.
This of course, is only my perspective, but I have always considered my poetry to work as might an oil painting or a musical composition. That each stroke, each note has purpose and if it serves no purpose other than to merely be there then it is superfluous. The language is superb and demonstrates a quick mind, but though a poem should be written mostly from "the heart", I believe it is also a mechanical contrivance. Without control of the machine, the heart is simply bleeding.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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You came to me and drew me in

the velvet closeness
dark and daring

our plots and thoughts
like rich veins

thick and singing

the waves of want
lapping
thirsty as a stray

and how we played

and now we stay

haunted

extricated slowly

one bruised leg at a time
sweet this wind that seeps

through this...(?)

and your touch lands like a gunshot

hot and stinging

the equisite graze of these wounds

another notch on our scarred hearts.

Steven I had a go the way I would,
as I agreed with wesley snow about the breaks,
I don't quite understand the through this where I put the...(?)
I feel the words make a better impact rearranged in some way,
just my try. Love as aye Ann.

equisite graze...exquisite?

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

In my artwork and acrylic paintings I am more adept
I admit I quickly throw these to the page
either writing from the girls
Or at the library where I have but an hour and I
have another site I write on where my
poetry is altogether more different then here

You are all correct in your format view
and the fact that the works are unfinished
I dont even remember just putting
the "the" where I did

these are rough sketched in things
I understand that they are good enough
to finish That people like these enough
and spend the time to give me valuable
and insightful Feedback

Thank You all for your thoughts
on this one

author comment

This is a wonderful example of how alliteration and near rhyme can enrich a free verse poem. thank you............scribbler

"sweet this wind
that seeps
through this"

Oh I liked that.

Interesting title. Asterisk indicates doubt - or an omission of sorts. I found this quite fitting to this poem. We never truly know, do we? But for now, it works and the players take what they can from it.

Lovely free verse and beautiful use of brevity. It might be a thought to lose the gerunds though. Also, eliminate some of the "the's" and the "and's"

Possible Example:

"your touch
a gunshot

stings hot...etc.

All in all you have touched me. I enjoyed this very much. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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I am a man with not much subtleties
I so love them and wish I was more like it
a discipline to strive for

I like your addition to the poem
"your touch a gunshot" wow that is very good
I dont profess to be anything grand
I struggle with poetry and words and language
wishing I was more clever and knew more
words That makes us all different though
and I love wordy poetry

I didnt quite know the meaning of Asterisk
in my mind its an object that I think goes here
like a puzzle peice and I try to make Titles
that are oddities as if they were chapter
headings in a booklet I Love random
and I love the interest of ponder
a scar a blemish to me are like
cloudshadows a scrape across
the stonework beauty in imperfections
so Im always doubting always trying to
Over think things

Thank You for your Comments
and this addition to the work
that this poem has garnered

author comment
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