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Occasionally (self awareness)

Submitted by Eduardo Cruz on Wed, 2011-06-01 03:49

Occasionally
I tend to think
selflishly
I believe the world
revolves around me

Complacency
is my cross
comfortably the chains
of unawareness
hold me
the thought
of another's needs
elude my self-involvement

Reality
has the ability
to smack the face
of sureness

I awaken to the fact
that nothing
is written in stone
at any moment
I can lose

To accept
this concept
makes me a better man
working hard
with open eyes
to see the beauty
of life which is
right before me

Sharing
in the wants and needs
of a dear one
brings purpose
to my life
thinking of only my wants
is the road
to a downfall

I realize and ask,
"Dear one
is there enough
room around your heart"

Occasionally
I am the man
I ought to be.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
Written as a continuos thought . Stanza seven is quote from the Vietnamese Zen buddhist Monk - Thich Nhat Hanh book "true Love" A practise for Awakening the Heart
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-06-01 07:28

Sorry, but I have to critique.

elude my self-involvement (is correctly written)

downfall (one word)

instead of *seeing* to see...is more apropos imo.

the end is kick-arse. Love these stream of consciousness poems... But isn't it all just solipsistic tendencies? lol

~A

Eduardo Cruz

Wed, 2011-06-01 08:27

Eduardo Cruz's picture

Why are you sorry?
There is no reason to be.
If you try an change the structure, of these write's I'll say no
or inject how you see it and change words in a stanza, I''ll say no
But if you say; hey stupid, you spelled that wrong or its grammar is incorrect.
these things I accept.

You are dead on. It is about a solipsistic personality, but one that has almost lost it all and has the realization. that it not just about me I am not the center of the universe. I am just sharing it with others.

Girl I Iove you, (well to say your mind) so never think that you can't critique my writing, but understand that it is my choice to take what I need from it. I am me and will forever be me

remember when I use to sign, Always Eddie. you didn't truly get that. just by your responds to it.

I am never offended by things you might want to help me with, because I only see it as help. but I can say no to help if I feel I don't need it. Yes?
Thanks for the kick arse it means a lot to me coming from you.

Always Eddie Hahaha!

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

lou

Wed, 2011-06-01 08:15

lou's picture

A really introspective piece. I like the tone. But i think that it would be even better if you said
' Occasionally I think.' instead of 'tend to think,' in the first Stanza, which makes for an awkward line.

Stanza 3 is also a little awkward i feel it might sound better if you said ' Reality smacks the face of over sureness,' or 'self-assureness'.

Good job.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Eduardo Cruz

Wed, 2011-06-01 08:43

Eduardo Cruz's picture

first let me say thank you.
let me explain;
'tend to think" is because this person does not think they"re a solipsistic personality. to say "I think" it's like they have thought about who they are and how it affects others.

"Reality smacks the face of sureness" I wrote that as if these two, reality and sureness were living breathing entities, and not just words.

I see how you might feel or see it, but that was not my thought. I am writing it in the sense of taoism, where everything has a living purpose in the universe.

thanks again lou, I appreciate your input.
Eddie

.....

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment
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