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Midnight Marriage (Ottava Rima)

Submitted by Pamela A. Lamppa on Mon, 2011-05-30 10:57

Soft wavelets grip and grasp a gleam of light
as if to poke and play curtsy and bow.
This welcomed dance as eyes coerce delight,
is altered with the gifts that they endow.
Such sway could swoon the darkest part of night
enhanced by joy upon a beaded brow
and rhythm spun would turn a tune to sing
with diamond sparkled gems to wed the spring.

This merry wedding glimmers joyful sheen
while soft cascades of incandescent glow
ease steps that glide to join this king and queen;
a celebrated pearlized tableau.
When joined, their gifts are gentle and serene;
the earth and sky, a tender temperate flow,
where moonbeam's feather purifies the dove
whose coos are cradled in their dance of love.

So daintily, the night dances to dawn
while evening's shimmered glory sips its dew.
Their spins and swirling pirouette shall spawn
impressive strides of dignified debut,
and warmest breath will cool a breeze withdrawn
to sift confettied pollens blown askew.
As softer moonbeams fade into the morn
ripples are smoothed as risen sun is born.

***********************************************************************************

Ottava Rima

A Ottava Rima is a poem written in 8-line octives. Each line is of a 10 or 11 syllable count in the following rhyme:

one octive poem. abababcc
two octive poem. abababcc, dededeff
three octive poem. abababcc, dededeff, ghghghii

...so on and so on

Once syllable count is selected, it should remain consistent for the entire Ottava Rima and does not alternate between 10 and 11 syllables in the same poem.

Reference: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/ottavarima.html

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
© Pamela A. Lamppa, All rights reserved
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Pamela A. Lamppa

Mon, 2011-05-30 12:41

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

Thank you so much. It is a lovely form and I would love to read what you come up with if you decide to try one.

Thank you again. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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themoonman

Mon, 2011-05-30 15:00

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You are a word crafter, this is an interesting form, one
I've not tried. I'm not a huge fan of the rigidness in counting
syllables, but it is good to practice. One thing about counting,
is every syllable counts, and in your first stanza, some "and's
and that's" might be changed, seem complacent, only there to
add the count and not necessarily for smoothness of spoken
verse. The only other small thing I noticed was in the final stanza
second line; sips its dew ... sips its, doesn't flow well coming out
loud, for me anyway.

very good poem Pam

Have I told you how happy I am that you are back on Neo,
well I am.

Pamela A. Lamppa

Mon, 2011-05-30 18:24

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

I am pleased you enjoyed this poem and welcome your suggestions for replacement words in those areas that seem a bit troublesome.
I am read and re-read and viewed and chanted, and I just am lost.
Let me know your ideas.

Thank you. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

author comment

themoonman

Mon, 2011-05-30 20:32

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Soft wavelets grip and grasp a gleam of light
as if to poke and play curtsy and bow.
This welcomed dance as eyes coerce delight,
is altered with the gifts that they endow.

Soft wavelets grip, grasping a gleam of light
as if to poke and play, curtsy; then bow.
This welcomed dance as eyes coerce delight,
is altered with the gifts they (do, will, must, need) endow.

these are only suggestions, keeps your syllable count and
to me, sounds smoother ... and doesn't lose your meaning,
but I'm always looking to replace those pesky "that's and and's"
with gerunds or something, hope you didn't mind my pointing it
out.

Richard,

Pamela A. Lamppa

Mon, 2011-05-30 21:01

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

Hmm. Yes and No.

I am not fond of using gerunds in verse, but I do like the second line you reference. "Play curtsy; then bow." Yes. I like that a lot. That line has always given me trouble.
I might change "welcomed" to "welcome" as well. Surprised I didn't see that before. Thoughts?
Last line - I will leave alone. "do endow" is forced, and the other words hint at forced as well. It is grammatically correct with "that they endow."

Good thoughts great suggestions and wonderful feedback.
I cannot thank you enough.

~Pamela

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~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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author comment

wesley snow

Mon, 2011-05-30 15:09

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My information concerning this form came from Espy's "Words to Rhyme With". Six lines of alternating rhyme followed by a couplet. He stressed that any meter will do (and so I took the easy way out choosing iamb, a meter I think well in). No limit on the number of octave.
Yours is much more elegant than mine. Espy's example was bawdy and rude (quite humorous), so that makes three all total I have read (unfairly counting mine as one).
I have never heard the term "pearlized", so I suspect it is of your own creation. As I am a BIG fan of nonce words, I hope so and I salute you.
This is simply an attractive poem with a very "classic" feel (If I can call it that). Thank you for singling me out to tell me about it. In my book the highest compliment a poet can get is a request to read and comment on another's work.

Since I have you here, may I ask you about the policy at Neo concerning larger poems? My poem in particular. It is the reason I have sought feedback from an online source, but I don't know how it would be received. The individual canto are between 200 and 800 lines varying widely. I will ask others here, but I would like the opinions of those I have first spoken to. Is there someone specific I should ask or should I simply post the first canto and see how it is received? Your thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Your Ottava Rima makes me want to try another, but with a decidedly different personality. The form lent itself very nicely to the almost other worldliness of your language.
See you soon. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Pamela A. Lamppa

Mon, 2011-05-30 21:30

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

Indeed a NONCE word. But you understood the intent and that's what counts.
I am so pleased you enjoyed this Ottava Rima. It is such a beautiful form and this one in particular does have that "other worldly" feel to it. How nature dances with its counterparts; wavelets rippling in moonlight.
I thank you for such kind words. ~Pamela

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~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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author comment

loved

Tue, 2011-05-31 12:16

loved's picture

Very beautiful thoughts
On poetic emotion
If u can spare a moment
Do comment on all/any,
of my free verse
As of now
I’m no poet
But wish to be one.

….there are planes
That holds emotion
And quiet whispers
That raises tiny hairs

Each line evolves
In its poetic moment

Captures grace

And reminds us
We are human

Just lovely words urs

loved

Pamela A. Lamppa

Tue, 2011-05-31 12:51

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

To be quoted is quite the compliment.
I will be happy to read and respond to your writings.
Thank you for the invitation.

Glad you liked my thoughts on "poetry".

~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

author comment

Nordic cloud

Wed, 2011-06-01 13:31

Nordic cloud's picture

Ah the bardic soliloquy of dawning mingled joys
your palette, pen and mind employs,
so deftly diantied in the night its dew
warmed to evaporate in mornings new.

Love from Ann of Norway.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Candlewitch

Wed, 2011-06-08 11:54

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WOW! was my first impression of this finely crafted poem. It is so far beyond me to attempt such structure, that is why I admire it so much. (perhaps it is due to my dyslexia, LOL)

A solid and impressive piece. I have no suggestions, just admiration for the work.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Pamela A. Lamppa

Mon, 2011-06-13 15:54

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

You are more than kind with your words and praise and I appreciate it so much.
Thank you again. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

author comment

Dalton

Mon, 2012-06-04 15:18

Beautiful nice flow throughout. With your gift in following structure something I can't do.

John

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