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empty fields
the dream i have
scares me
people fucking
on a huge field
surrounding us
and we walked around
bumping them
gasping at them
lost,
desperate
i opened a window to
let summer visit me
closed my eyes as
it patted my cheek
and i wanted the field
i wanted you and i
making love among
cornflowers and sunflowers
i woke up
hating the dream
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How does this theme appeal to you?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Melbourne, Australia
Favorite Poets
Bukowski, Neruda, Rumi, Gibran, Jeffers, Corso, Waldman, Kerouac
Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2011-05-30 00:02
Chez
I have been away from Jonette for a few months, and you have seen my dream and penned it.
I return to her June 2nd. I will then live my dream and make passion love to her. for there is no great union between to people in love upon seeing each other. It seems to translate into the physical.
the freeverse is interesting I will say no more in keeping with your option choice.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Kailashana2
Mon, 2011-05-30 07:09
CC.
CC.
I'd lose the last few words. End with I hated the dream.
Much stronger.(especially since not coming true is already implied).
Funny how I had the same dream. I think we're all having a mass orgy when sound asleep. ;-)
~A
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-05-31 09:12
Gotta go with Anna on this one
the field is still there,
and let's call it the GUTOF (Grand Unified Theory of Fucking).
There's room for everyone [grins]
a tiny thing-
and we walked around [walk, keep it in the present tense, in fact the whole poem would be better in the present tense.]
and maybe, just maybe, as an ending
"we wake up
sharing the dream"
Yes, it changes the whole concept of the poem, but isn't it grand?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-05-31 09:48
Hello CC
Your title is intriguing and drew me in right away. Although their is sex in the dream it does not seem like a standard erotic dream. I feel a sense of loss and longing from it. My favorite lines are:
i opened a window to
let summer visit me
closed my eyes as
it patted my cheek
and i wanted the field
i wanted you and i
making love among
cornflowers and sunflowers
The last lines of your poem confirmed my theory. Let me know if I am completely off-base?
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
CCfire
Wed, 2011-06-01 04:12
Your assumptions are correct
Your assumptions are correct as opposed to Jess who wants to change it up but in fact if I did that I'd be changing real life which my poetry most definitely is so it needs to remain as it is.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2011-06-01 04:39
I stand corrected, classic mistake,
trying to change instead of help. I should know better. Let's hope I never stop learning,
sorry chez.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
CCfire
Wed, 2011-06-01 07:14
It's ok Jess
I could quite see how the entire poem can be changed with a few words, I don't mind discussion but just so you know...I rarely change anything :P lol
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentKailashana2
Wed, 2011-06-01 07:18
Ha! When one is *enraptured*
Ha! When one is *enraptured* with/by one's muse, how on earth can one changes his/her muse's words?
I sooooo understand......
~A
p.s. However, on occasion my listening just ain't write. ;-)
scribbler
Wed, 2011-06-01 07:26
hi Chez
Nothing like this type dream to warm a cold night down there. I think the 2nd stanza is richest of imagery in all of poem....stan
Esker
Wed, 2011-06-01 14:40
intense
Wow
wish i could write with this vivid imagery
and feel
like how changes affect poems
"I wake to hate dreams" or "dreaming"
just my last word and take on this
its perfect the way it is
Im running hungry of late
physically and sit at the food court
surrounded by people
eating
yet its not about eating
or food
something more
Like loving for some
is loving and yet more
LIke a flavour one appeals
towards
the seeking
even when surrounding
even waking to hating
that want
and yet being excited
to have that ache too