Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

“My Heart”

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Thu, 2011-05-26 00:45

My heart breaks, for your adoration
My heart yearns, for your admiration
These arms are too short, to reach your heart

I think about you all the time
I imagine we are as one, making love to Roy C’s “I’ll always love you”
And dancing to Isaac Hayes “Stand Accused”

One day, I look to see your face appear in my presence
I sense, I will melt leaving a stain on the floor
Just like the wicked witch of the west

But for now, I sing R. Kelly’s, “If I could turn back the hands of time”
Wishing to have said the right words that would have brought you to me
I fell from grace that faithful day hoping to be your baby, forever more

My heart breaks, for your adoration
My heart yearns, for your admiration
These arms are too short to reach your heart

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Rottiestyl

Thu, 2011-05-26 15:50

Rottiestyl's picture

I sense, I will melt leaving a stain on the floor - love this line. How many of us have simply wanted to dissipate into nothing when loosing a love. Very descriptive line. I only see one thing that really stands out that I feel needs to be corrected, in the line: My arms is too short, to reach your heart, both in the first and last stanza, it would read better " My arms are too short, to reach your heart" or " These arms are to short....., just my opinion. I rarely change anything in my work so if it works as is for you, then I would leave it. Still, I enjoyed the read.

Kim
(V)

Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.

By: K. Mulroney

" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."

Barbara Writes

Thu, 2011-05-26 22:14

Barbara Writes's picture
Volunteer badge

I appreciate the suggestion. I made the changes and I agree it sounds better.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

vexations10

Thu, 2011-05-26 22:02

advice. “arms are to short"

vexations

Barbara Writes

Thu, 2011-05-26 22:16

Barbara Writes's picture
Volunteer badge

I agree Kim suggestion is better. The changes have been made. I like the way it flow better

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

raj

Thu, 2011-05-26 22:57

As I read through the lines, it gave a sensation of ripples forming at the drop of a pebble...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Barbara Writes

Thu, 2011-05-26 23:20

Barbara Writes's picture
Volunteer badge

sensation of ripples forming at the drop of a pebble :) glad you enjoyed it. It's not my usual style of writing. I thought I might take a stab at it. I am glad it turn out so well.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

Lenny of Cohen

Fri, 2011-05-27 12:17

admirable piece of writing which took me back in time and left me stranded on an island of despair!

Namaste,

Lenny

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

Barbara Writes

Fri, 2011-05-27 12:27

Barbara Writes's picture
Volunteer badge

Lenny you are right on point with your interpretation. thanks for reading and commenting.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.